miss you blues

oh god i miss my sister so much.

it has come back with a vengeance the permanance of death.
i can only think why? why did she have to be taken from us?
she had so many amazing talents and qualities and she has gone and i will never see her again as long as i live.
i feel so angry that she did not get to live on here and display her beauty any more.
i hate disease i hate it it is evil and cruel and it stole away my big sister from me.
i want to call her and see her and see what she plans to do on her birthday.
i want to chat and laugh with her, share our worries and laugh about everything like we used to.
i want to see what she is like today, what she has planned up her sleeve to get through the days next.
i want her.

she made me try eyebrow threading when we went to lewisham when she was ill.
i want to go again with her, to get a coffee and have her get one just the qway she likes it.
with a little slice of cake or something nice.
i want her outlook on things.
what she thinks matters; it shapes how i see things.
i want her here on this journey.

i am bereft.