Given the title of this blog, the contents will probably be unremarkable, however I want to try and write down how I am feeling.
Today I woke up before 7 AM and I got up and made a cup of tea and I was in a good mood.
Now for me this is remarkable because often I wake up and don't even know I have a mood; I struggle to get things done and drag myself and the kids out of the door in a rush to get to school and thus begin the day.
To be frank, since the age of 16, I have felt a shimmer of horror when I have a happy mood as somehow my personality has always seen it as one of those blistering dazzling clouds you see sometimes which is illuminated against a darker almost thunderous backdrop of grey, and I have awaited the equal low that has always threatened to rear its' head in the moments or days afterwards.
My moods have always been black or white and grey is deeply unpleasant as it would mean flat.
so my life and day to day movements has often been dictated by how the weather is within me.
Today it was like an eclipse; a total eclipse, where suddenly everything came together in a moment of perfect unison; the peace was almost heavenly, as if this was the alternative reality that exists within the present reality but which cannot always be accessed. Maybe like Plato's caves and shadows, I was no longer a shadow but the solid figure creating the shadows. I was out of the cave.
With no real reference to any current self help guides, but echoing that, I felt grateful. (don't want to be cringy, but) grateful for what I have. A roof over our heads, just enough money to get by. Most amazing children, friends, family and acquaintances and my world hitherto cramped and squalid and dirty and cold seemed comfortable, wonderful , in fact, privileged.
Like an eclipse, it felt as if I too had come from the shadows to inhabit my own body, so one heart was beating within me instead of many beating hearts of all the different mes that come to rise throughout the day if that makes sense.
Anyway I am afraid I cannot articulate further now about this, but i suppose I will watch this space.
