feel fucking sick

in my stomach and hate that i am writing my personal sister stuff on this piece of shit blogg crap.
i have been with family today in fact visiting my grand pa and uncles and 2 aunts who made family very welcome, and its a poxy cliche and no one dare say it cos its such a fucking cliche but why the fuck wasn't my sister there. now i feel like a glutton. i feel like i have pigged out and my sister is not there. its bull shit i'd rather not grieve it is so selfish. i'd rather just be cold and knowledgeable and uncaring rather that all fucking sensitive and pathetic and full of sad thoughts. it won't damn well bring back her. i am already tired of those thoughts. they have been thought by too many. why can't this be unique and special.

i have no friend now. she was. i feel, one of the closest people in the world to me. she knew stuff. i could talk to her about anything and visa versa. now i feel like an appendage. now i feel like a bit which is missing another bit. i feel like a biscuit that has been bitten in half and then abandoned. i feel like a twin who has lost her twin. i feel like a lonely lonely sister who never got to say the stuff she wanted to say and never even said goodbye or pledged her love and promised stuff to.

songs seem jangly and empty without her and rooms seem empty. even the houses on my road look grey and hollow and barer than they were before.

my children are excited about going to ramsgate and i don't even want to go really. not without my sis. but i just don't know. this is just shite.