thursday

it is 2 weeks and 2 days since the saddest day of my life so far.
it has passed in a blurry blink.
I am home right now alone with my baby who is asleep and I am using the time to quietly tidy the piles of mess which have gathered.
all the time my sister is in my mind. it is the back drop to my consciousness.
I have the kitchen door open and the air is cold and I can hear the dropping rain.
I can see the view through my sisters window, though I am not there,in her silent home.
I can see the trees that she loved to watch, when she would rest weak and fragile upon her sofa, they are dark and dripping with rain cast starkly against the white sky..
I know the trees must miss her appreciation. how they changed over the course of her illness she knew, and she loved to watch them day and night ebb and flow into different shapes, colours and movements.
I never would have known the silence that is death. the absence which sits within your heart.
if there is really a good god, why did he make death so inexplicable?
How did aunty get to heaven from the hospital my daughter asked me.
and will I die mummy, I don't want to die.
someone said the word non-existence to me in some sentence and my inner self balked, my inner self reached out and grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him hard.
in each of the people I have met today I have wondered if my sister might be seeing me through their eyes.
it is like a strange fantasy like in a film like the matrix, that my sister will see me. I will see her and we will know.
and then I feel so alone and I feel the hard table next to me and hear the police sirens and the laundry whirring and I don't know anything.
how long does it take to get to heaven mummy my little one asks?
I don't know.
I can't say.
I am sorry this waits like a guiloteen to move you to childish fear. fear of the dark. fear of nothing. fear of non existence.
but i imagine a garden a beautiful garden.