feeling awful

physically and mentally. i have what feels like heart burn and i feel very sick. my head and body is heavy. it is Saturday, my least favourite day when times are tough because of the presence of children and the incongruity between their needs and my ability to provide. today is like that but i have not even the energy or spirit to be there for them. they all seem to be coping fine and husband is home today and is planning to take them out.

my throat aches and a drowsy numbness pains my senses.
my throat is sort of throbbing but not with an infection i know that it is sadness.
i do not know how i will get through the next days i feel physically restricted by a sludge, my body is heavy there is a brick in my brain and a weight on my chest.
if only i had a manic connection to the after world which could make me see the days less heavily.


since writing the above i have had a bath and bathed the baby and just now the kids have left to go bowling with husband- including little  cousin D and my man's daughter who lives in Scotland but is down for a visit.
i get so infuriated when one particular child of mine always needs to find any number of things just as is time to leave. and then i feel a mixture of emotions including guilt for feeling so angry.
 little baby nearly one -in few days- is feeding himself banana.

the car has also gone bowling so i am not sure i will be getting out for a bit. my pushchair is at my parents and i am not  in a fit state to go on a bus today with Saturday people crammed into a small space concerned about their shopping bags and feet and pushchairs and space and crying children and people that don't get up for oldies. i would probably cry. or faint.

my heart is so heavy with sadness which won't relent.
i cannot find words to express what i want to really say about my sister.
i cannot bear to write here the date or of the day she will symbolically and literally be committed to the earth and to heaven. i am not sure i can ever be normal again and find the will to do the things each day to do things that must be done. but i will try and i shall go on. if anything for my sister who i desperately wish i could spend a little more time with.