i am just starting to appreciate not having anyone around me. the baby is asleep and no one else is here. that calm usually precedes a storm. they will be back and probably sooner rather than later and then my head will once again become awash with confusion and the moans and whines of normal daily life which right now is virtually intolerable.

i hate to say to myself that i have poured a glass of red wine and am drinking it though it is only 3 15 pm.
right now i cannot just be.
i will not drink loads just a little to soothe my mind and calm the painful calm knowledge that i can do nothing about.