woke up first after man went to work. slept with all the kids on a big camp in the sitting room. made some sourdough bread last night. theraputic. woke up this morning feeling sick thinking of death and coldness and horriblness and it must have filled my very cells cos the reat of the morning was like walking through a mad altered reality. my whole house was the same but slippery and hard to grasp. think i dreaded the kids waking up which they did one by one. so i had to wake up and get themfed and stuff. i made them pancakes and then begged them to get dressed. they seem to have no idea of the hell inside my head.but then i had to get myself ready which was the worse cos i felt like i was walking on ice and through black air.
felt so alien and grotesque and angry and irritable. how could the kids be so damn normal it feels like my world has collapsed and caved in.
carry on regardless.they still drag their feet and seem to act like nothinghappened. i know they care but they carry on.
got to where i was dropping off big son. burst into welome tears as i told the mother a kind lady, of my sister's death.
i have not been able to say that word.
death
dead
died
it feels like a thick sheet blank opaque and intransigent.
respondingless
final
unanswering
recovered then to carry on and sort out my car cos i smashed the rear light on a tree yesterday.
saw your baby boy's dad and he was so sad and cried tears for you.
with my family now and having my first glass of wine
i am afraid of tensions running high and emotions spilling out.
everyonoure is getting tense and emotional
cos days have passed and we don't have you but we have ourselves and we are all growing confused.
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