dreary time

i don't like these dark evenings when the windows turn black by 5 pm and the day seems to draw to a close sooner. i have just opened a bottle of wine which is way to early and have sipped on a minute glass hoping that i won't keep filling it up although i suppose i could go to bed at 8 and be done with it. these dark evenings fill me with a gloom that i didn't have as a child. it would then beckon exitefully the coming of Halloween and bonfire night and suggest the twinkling lights of a not to distant Christmas. it would mean comforting suppers and cosy nights in and the bright television screen and family. now it seems to feel claustrophobic and doomlike and the night sits before me like a unmoving black lake with no bottom.

maybe i am thoroughly depressed... although i don't know if i am or not anymore as i never really feel happy so to speak. i mean i am pretty down right now in light of many things and my sister's death comes back to haunt me in a peculiar way, her absence still as sudden and unreasonable as it was when she was taken from us back in February.  that sits like a backdrop to my thoughts and feelings, the loss of her and how as the season seems to change once again, she still remains silenced while all about the places that she used to walk, people still walk and yet she is no longer there.

though i don't wish to be morose and blame my low mood on the passing of her, it is difficult to separate now and then. the me that had her and the me that doesn't.
i still have all the same problems of lack of opportunity, crappy attitude to life, hardly any money, and i don't want to continue in these mindsets excusing it because of my grief. but it sits there behind the railings of my consciousness, in the next room, on the other lane of traffic...it sits there like a silent grave being rained upon and offering no word of comfort or explanation. just silently continuing as it will do until the day i die.

this is your life

woke up this morning not wanting to get out of bed. wanted to stay there wrapped up in the snugly duvet and not get up. not do anything. every weekend i have a sort of mini crisis, like it is a day of reckoning every Saturday and i am faced with children and a lack of enthusiasm to get out and do stuff...usually money based. it is really difficult to be enthusiastic when you don't have any pennies. even a trip to the park seems like a long winding road of torment.

today is Sunday and it is a bit different in that the kids are on half term so the feeling of needing to use the day effectively is less impending. tomorrow i suppose is another Saturday. in fact tomorrow i am planning to take them to the science museum- really early because i don't like lunch time crowds. but my brother who works there says half term is busy whatever time of day. 

actually, yesterday against all my less than better inclinations, i took them to the horniman museum and i am so glad i did. there i saw all the families who get off their butts and try to culturise their children. 

anyway, i just need to gripe really. i sometimes find my life like a sustained line of unchanging difficulty. i rarely get a chance to remove myself from children and if i do then some unruliness ensues or shouting arguing esp if signifci is home he has little tolerance of children's behaviour. i know this is a fleeting period of time in the long run of things and i know i may long for these days one day but it is the relentlessness of it and the feeling it won't change and that i can't just bail out.

it is helpful writing this down because it makes me aware of my ability to complain and hear it. i suppose i am just moaning.
well. i will just go carry on. 

losing the plot

or point of writing this anymore. it has sort of served me as a useful diary but i have not been writing regularly and it has sometimes been about just being a blog which is fairly self reflective and just eats itself up.

lots of things have occurred for me lately yet i have not felt like blogging.
now for some reason in a itchy, irritable kind of state i suppose i need some screen time. perhaps that is all this is, an occasional addiction to the pc and virtual world of the web.

i feel weird, sort of wanting.... almost like i need a drink, but i don't want a drink.
i am at home and ploughing through laundry that is days clean and dry just not yet filed away.

well i won't go on about nothing much at all as my small son has toddled to my side and is demanding my attention.

S A D ?

i have an low that sits beneath the top of the skull and emanates from the base of the sternum. it has no actual  
basis in words or thought but has echoes of a guilty feeling, like when you feel you have said too much when in a jovial mood or drunk and the days after you feel ashamed or just like you have said too much.
it probably has a little root that i cannot see and its massive trunk is full of thoughts i cannot distinguish or separate. off it, i imagine, grow branches of contrition and sadness again in a mass though firm and strong.

i wonder if  it is sad.

Not drinking

Last night I managed to only drink 2 pints lager over about 2 hours 5 till 7 ish which I don't really class as effective drinking as there was no intoxication. Then I drank 2 cans of diet Pepsi after taking a piriton (wild). It was an incredibly slow moving gut wrenchingly boring eve but I got to bed around 9 45 then read a bit then went to sleep. This morning I woke up around 7 and felt remarkably tired, but gloriously I also felt clear headed and organised. Him indoors was off work today so took daughter to school and I met a friend for coffee at 9 before meeting another for toddler group and lunch. I go to the salvation army baby group in deptford where they do a plate of grub for £2.50 and 50p for baby lunch. That all finished at 12.30 and now I am back home. Little one is asleep, and I have stuff to do namely house stuff, but I feel quite restless and a bit bored again and wanting for something. Sounds dreadfully dull but I may  throw myself into housework as I feel really clear when the house I'd clear and there is still loads of shit I need to tackle before I think the doors of my new life will open, by which I mean, I have this weird feeling I need to 'get my house in order' and that when I am all done the opportunities will flood in.
I have one section which I do not go near full of note books and school books and photos and memories and diaries and loads of emotional paper clutter that I have barely touched for three years. A some point I will sort it, it is like the fial frontier, that and under the stairs.
Also I need to create a space for a pc computer for me- I'd rather a laptop, but till then a fat pc. I need one of my own in my own space to be my office where I can grow ideas.
Tonight I aim not to drink at all, I may have to get on the piriton early to sedate me slightly, but I want to find myself again, and incessant drinking is taking me further and further aaa from myself.
I am also keeping a mood diary to tap into my moods and work out why I am on a treadmill of life, going round and round but not going anywhere!
Here's to sobriety and to what it may uncover!
Although, not sure how long it will last given that family life involving man, teenage boy, little girl and toddler can be trying at times.
So long.

No inspiration

I have felt no desire to write of late. Things are all pretty much a muchness. Things are all pretty much the same. I have been attempting not to drink everyday and as I do I feel like an alcoholic. I am actually not , but my desire to not drink in the evening is quite challenging. I have taken to drinking diet coke and taking a piriton tablet to help me feel drowsy. Except it is not working today and I am on my second pint of beer of the evening. After this I will do the diet coke thing. There is no point doing it too early as I don't wanna be drowsy till bedtime.
I am basically utterly bored bored bored and that is prob why I drink, to hide the boredom from myself.
I don't feel like reading and I can't watch tv cause he is watching darts (boring). I can't go to bed as it is too early. This is probably the last resort.
I feel like nothing is happening at the moment. I don't have much money so I cannot engineer stuff. I can't buy stuff. Everything is just dull and Sort of staid. I wonder if this is just a passing thing or if it will be my life forever. I did think the other day, that life is what you make it, there are no rewards for good behaviour, patience or self deprivation. It occurred to me, that if I don't brighten up my life and do some stuff that I want to do, then that is that. Time waits for no one.

My son has just passed by and said he reads it anyway, when I sought to hide the type from him. Well in that case,  I may as well mention that it is very difficult not having surplus piles of income to spend on fun things. His friends apparently have new bbguns and games and hundreds spent on them while I barely have two pennies to rub together for warmth.

Anyway after this second beer I will have a boring diet coke and take a piriton and then go to bed. I hope things get better.