i don't like these dark evenings when the windows turn black by 5 pm and the day seems to draw to a close sooner. i have just opened a bottle of wine which is way to early and have sipped on a minute glass hoping that i won't keep filling it up although i suppose i could go to bed at 8 and be done with it. these dark evenings fill me with a gloom that i didn't have as a child. it would then beckon exitefully the coming of Halloween and bonfire night and suggest the twinkling lights of a not to distant Christmas. it would mean comforting suppers and cosy nights in and the bright television screen and family. now it seems to feel claustrophobic and doomlike and the night sits before me like a unmoving black lake with no bottom.
maybe i am thoroughly depressed... although i don't know if i am or not anymore as i never really feel happy so to speak. i mean i am pretty down right now in light of many things and my sister's death comes back to haunt me in a peculiar way, her absence still as sudden and unreasonable as it was when she was taken from us back in February. that sits like a backdrop to my thoughts and feelings, the loss of her and how as the season seems to change once again, she still remains silenced while all about the places that she used to walk, people still walk and yet she is no longer there.
though i don't wish to be morose and blame my low mood on the passing of her, it is difficult to separate now and then. the me that had her and the me that doesn't.
i still have all the same problems of lack of opportunity, crappy attitude to life, hardly any money, and i don't want to continue in these mindsets excusing it because of my grief. but it sits there behind the railings of my consciousness, in the next room, on the other lane of traffic...it sits there like a silent grave being rained upon and offering no word of comfort or explanation. just silently continuing as it will do until the day i die.
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