ode to a kind listener and miserability: not very ode like

You are sweet and your words of encouragement from across the Atlantic and through the shimmers of ether on cyberspace are always so lovely and thoughtful.
you are clearly a being of humor and kindness.

I am a miserable goat of time sometimes. In fact I am not so sure I am as anonymous as I thought,  I am probably very identi-mous and findable.  It is cringemaking how little savvy one can be on the wiles of the web.

I like to sound out to the intransigent universe if you can call it that.
The incessant neverending incessantness of the every day. Of the repetitive. Of the decay.
I sometimes can't see it any other way.

My Sister The Amazing (if i were a viking i'd name her that) died last February and still I gripe like I griped before. Nothing changes.

I was born of hippie religious folk, but that really doesn't play a major role in my life. I am fairly cynical when I am not feeling magical. Everyone here is bi polar. I don't want to be another statistic.

I drink too much alcohol. That is my vice, besides also smoking.

Age hovers with its claws waiting to pay me back for all the rubbish I put into my body.

I fairly look forward to some post living state where we can all hang out forever more in a cool and amazing party in the sky!

You know I can't help but wonder if i am just a crazy mentalist....a popular word in this Brit culture in a queue of other mentalists just waiting for something to happen.

I feel like the catcher in the rye guy though i have never finished that novel, I stop when there is some blood somewhere in there.

I would love to read your Other Blog
Feelings are strong and intense and for some, a whole other world that needs a habitat.

But back to you. Thank you for your affinity.
I hope life wakes up clear and bright for you and each day is like an unopened present of the present
and the skies twinkle white and blue.
I hope that is the case dear listener
My ode to you :)

no novelty never. ever.

i haven't written because the novelty has worn off. it wears off everything in the end. i meant to write daily as a personal writing/ therapy project...i was hoping it would suddenly turn into a feel good american or cheap British budget movie where i would be enlightened and find some answers and a rosy glow would take over and i wouldn't still feel like i am tied to a train track with a fast train roaring towards me but never actually reaching me. just roaring towards me.
it must be something in the water.

every day starts to become the same, the daily plights repeat on themselves and the memories twist into the fading present.

okay i may have some issues here. i may infact just be of the ilk that can never just get on with things and be content and happy. i don't really know any more. i have discovered that i am a truly emotional person, in that i respond to the nuances of inspiration and positive experience and unclouded emotion. my confidence balances on a see saw of never nevers.

i am truly fucked. my see saw just will not steady enough for me to just get the fuck on with things.
sometimes i feel like a total misfit.
its ok on here. i am anonymous.
just carved red paint through a shit still life of flowers i painted.
looks much better now.

black brain

it is Monday evening and it feels like someone has found a small lift up hatch in my skull and poured inky black liquid into it. my brain feels black.
at the weekend i did some crazy cleaning all day Saturday in my house, just practically bleaching everything, the walls, the floors, .... i just couldn't stop. it was a bit like meditating. i preferred that to any kind of thinking that may have needed to be done. and on sat eve i went to see my cousin play a gig. it was the first time i'd been out in about 3 years or so. i planned to go quietly and have a dignified drink and leave to go home nice and early. that was at 10 pm when i arrived. cut to 6 hours later and i was falling about like a mad hatter at a highly crazy house party. i didn't get home till nearly six and consequently my brain feels inky black.

Sunday i had to get up at 10 which was a real lie in but didn't feel like it, and i had to carry on as normal and take the kids out to a place i'd promised to take them. it was not pretty. i drove there on auto pilot with the toxins from the night before still crashing through my veins no doubt.