'merry Christmas my arse i pray god its our last'

i haven't written for a long time. i suppose i got fed up with the agony of life mixed with my attempt to render it explainable. the most mundane thing was the agony consisted of a series of domestic miseries and discontents. it moaned it groaned it carried the weight of life squarely on its shoulders.

this has been a hugely horrible year. a horrible anus of a year as the queen said, or something to that effect.
here i sit at an old pc (not the laptop i dream to get soon) with the customary glass of white wine and ice at my fingertips. in the distance i hear wails of pain or pleasure of the children playing. i still live in anticipation of a wail here or there from a teased 23 month old, a five year old or a seven year old or a cross low grumble from my ever growing taller fourteen year old. not to mention the intolerant wails of the significant other who from the way he acts, must come from a different planet to women and children.

this has been our first Christmas in a earthly world that consists not of my sister - mother of the seven year old-  who died in February. rather suddenly though having battled a very short year and a half against voldemort leukemia. how strange it still is to realize her absence and pass each day knowing she has gone. no amount of pain or suffering, tears or obstinate anger can bring her back to me or anyone least of all her little son.

this Christmas was the first i felt absolutely no tingle of Christmas. it was all practicalities which suited me fine. presents and stockings and elderly relatives and shopping lists. but twinkling fairy lights couldn't even raise a glimmer of innocent anticipation. i am  ready to take the Christmas things down.

i am not sure about new year. i have nothing planned for tomorrow night. it will be no different to any other.
here is to a new year again and the grief of understanding that nearly a year has passed since she was taken away may start to settle like sediment in the brain. i hope to move forward and make something of my life. the bills need to be paid for a start. but i am not wholly sure how bright it will be, if i can cut out drinking or start to see a brighter day.

god rest her beautiful soul.