this is your life

woke up this morning not wanting to get out of bed. wanted to stay there wrapped up in the snugly duvet and not get up. not do anything. every weekend i have a sort of mini crisis, like it is a day of reckoning every Saturday and i am faced with children and a lack of enthusiasm to get out and do stuff...usually money based. it is really difficult to be enthusiastic when you don't have any pennies. even a trip to the park seems like a long winding road of torment.

today is Sunday and it is a bit different in that the kids are on half term so the feeling of needing to use the day effectively is less impending. tomorrow i suppose is another Saturday. in fact tomorrow i am planning to take them to the science museum- really early because i don't like lunch time crowds. but my brother who works there says half term is busy whatever time of day. 

actually, yesterday against all my less than better inclinations, i took them to the horniman museum and i am so glad i did. there i saw all the families who get off their butts and try to culturise their children. 

anyway, i just need to gripe really. i sometimes find my life like a sustained line of unchanging difficulty. i rarely get a chance to remove myself from children and if i do then some unruliness ensues or shouting arguing esp if signifci is home he has little tolerance of children's behaviour. i know this is a fleeting period of time in the long run of things and i know i may long for these days one day but it is the relentlessness of it and the feeling it won't change and that i can't just bail out.

it is helpful writing this down because it makes me aware of my ability to complain and hear it. i suppose i am just moaning.
well. i will just go carry on.