fluctuations

have fluctuated today between states of anguish and distress to calm and rational.
family coming together to get things ready for that which we must do.
very cold when i think that this is really happening and that my sis is really gone. right now, for example, i can write that without crying without really feeling. i have entered the state where this is not really happening. that she will be back to finish off unfinished things. have poured my first glass of wine for the evening.
tomorrow i will join my children in ramsgate. i really do not want to go but i will and i will try to dedicate the time to my beloved sister. i will send my love into the stars, i will feel her breath across the ocean's windy breeze. i will love the skies for her and i will try and relish in the children's happiness. i will do my best though i really will be tearing apart inside.
i may get a coach i do not think i can possibly drive but i will see tomorrow.