this hurt is new. it is barren and desolate and lonely.
it is like when the ring goes on in lord of the rings.
my mind is filled with child hood memories places we went and places we passed on the way to ballet for example but it is lonely and empty and i cannot see our young forms there. i just see the things without you and us in them.
the crashing silence of this thing death howls in my ears.
my children stayed off school today we stayed long at the wake.
my home is cluttered again as i do not wish to do any housework
i barely want to do anything.
i keep revisiting the days leading to her going from us.
the weekend it snowed.
i heard she was very tired and weak
i did not see her though i had children around to look after. it was to be monday that i saw her but monday she was rushed into hospital and tuesday she died.
i raced to the hospital first on monday to be with her.
she did not recognise me i think although i cannot be sure. she was 'confused' they said.
we left her at 8 pm or so in intensive care with a plan that sounded like there would be a tomorrow. at 1 am or so my phone shrilly rang and then i raced blindly to my car. i drove through the dark night streets and parked. the images from her childhood favourite film the outsiders running through my head when the police close in on mat dillon as he runs away.
i ran into the quiet hospital running to the lift. to my sister. if i could get to her i could keep her alive.
this same large space i ran through five years ago as i left in the witching hour with my baby daughter.
she was gone by the hours beteen 4 and 5 am
she just slipped away and left us here bereft and heart broken.
we all had come all her brothers and sisters her brother in laws and her parents to will her to stay; to love her, keep her here with us.
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