paralysed

today i attended the post mortem results with one of the doctors who attended my sis.
i now feel paralysed and restless if the two combine.
i miss her so much and want her to be here for these last summer days. i know if things had been different today we may well have met up in the sunshine and sat watching the kids playing. once on an evening just like this a few years ago, we met in Greenwich park and shared a bottle of cold rose while the children ran around in the flower garden. then we planned to eat steak and spinach. we buried the bottle somewhere thinking it could be there for years to come.
she always talked of how fleeting these childhood days are and how we should do nice things ike this as much as possible. that was before she became ill.
seeing her darling name and date of birth and date of death has stopped me in my tracks once again. i don't want to live without her. i need her.