this is bleak. i think i hate the whole routine of school and the restrictions it places upon the rhythm of life. this must make me socially dysfunctional. i hate it. i am trying to imagine how it would have to be for me to like it. maybe if i went each day to an airy studio and could do stuff i love to do....plus my sister would be there and it would all be good.
i just hate life sometimes.
i find the whole Monday to Friday thing depressing. i just have to go through the motions.
i also need to stop drinking wine particularly because the strength of it and the pungency of its concentrated taste is so addictive for me. and the way after a large glass you feel a bit more hazy and less concerned with these things that bring you down.
since five i have drunk two pints of lager which i find watery and not hitting the spot. but for me that feels like drinking water. however i will plough on and not drink wine, i may drink another beer before bed and hopefully tomorrow i can avoid drinking wine again.
but i don't want to get a taste for beer either. i wish i could just lay off drinking and find new life in me without having to succumb to alcoholics anonymous.
i am thirty four i am not ready to give up completely, but the more that i drink, the more that i give up, and the more that i give up the more that i drink and i am losing sight of the exit path in fact i can't even see it. it helps that the beer i am drinking is gross. i am weak. i do not know myself. i am a puppet without strings.
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