i have to set the scene. even if no one is listening. i sit here with a lighted candle- a Christmas present from an aunt, it smells nice, someone round here has bad guts. plus it means i can light my cigarette easily. I am nearly through a bottle of red wine, no extras, that's what it says on the label. my daughter 5 is in bed, back to school tomorrow and my son, nearly two is with his dad (bad guts) in the front room.
i have had an eventful few days of the new year in that i have taken the kids out nearly daily, to the woods to roam, to the science museum, to the swimming pool and to the national art gallery. more activity in a few days than in a whole year.
i am nearly ready to go to bed. daughter 5 yrs back to school tomorrow. big son back on Tuesday. nephew on Tuesday.
i planned not to drink tonight, to go to bed early, but the allure was too strong.
he is not at work tomorrow so can take her to school. a friend has forced me to go to lunch with her tomorrow, so will go. i have reflexology work to do in the week and some house cleansing for a friend. am busy.
but this year i need more. i want to start up properly as self employed i need to pay the bills.
i want to live.
i want to see stuff and go to exhibitions.
i want to take part.
i want to change things.
i need to pay the bills and i am no longer afraid of making money (another long story).
i really want to paint like Rousseau and i want to write.
don't know what yet but i know when i find out then i won't stop.
please let me find out soon!
i want o read my sister's writing. she died in February last year.
I want to keep talking about her.
I want to dream every night, big long therapeutic dreams where i visit almost everyone and everything i have ever known.
life is a sad state of affairs sometimes.
what is life tis not hereafter, present mirth ........ present laughter......................
life is for living.
we don't know when it will STOP...
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