bullshit bills

just read my last post and i think i was rather drunken when i wrote it.
sat morning at the end of the month is a hateful time for me because my account gets raided by locust direct debits and leave me feeling jaded and pissed off.

the woman who runs a ferret rescue and keeps telling me she has a sodding ferret we can have has let me down again. i don't actually even have a liking for ferrets, but my fourteen year old son persuaded me to buy him one some months ago. we have seen that the poor little nippy and ratty creature is lonely so i am trying to get him a playmate  but every time this sodding woman says she has one she then retracts  it the next day. i am starting to think she must have hit the bottle when i phone her after 7pm, as she specifies to call, as she is warm and full of advice and enthusiasm about giving us -for a donation  a ferret, then the next day she must wake up in a cold sweat and text me that it is ill and she can't re home it. what a load of tosh, she had told me it was fine. blah blah blah.

anyway since things are tight and difficult- money wise- i am up shit canal with no oars or something alike that.
however, i am still planning on taking an excursion this eve with some lovely new friends to an arty farty thing in shoreditch under some tunnels??
i am planning to keep it not late, and to not drink copiously and to get back early and not spend a lot, since i do not have a lot to spend.
i don't go to shoreditch ever, though i know it is very hip and arty and trendy, and i look forward to buying a nice cold bottle of beer at some point later and seeing something invigorating and to be creatively energized since i am a walking artistic block.

It is Thursday night and I am watching come dine with me partially and sinking a bottle of dry white wine since it was quite sunny today. Kids Are asleep for now and big son is in Montpellier since Monday and is back to tomorrow.
I am getting him a second ferret on sat since his is very lonely.
What have I done this week?
Well, Monday I took son to school for 8 am to go to France, then daughter to school then home for lazy ay as was feeling very  I'll with sore throat then I picked up daugher and her friend who came over till 6 pm. Tuesday I did some cleaning for someone and then picked up daughter.  Wednesday I took baby to a baby group and then did some house work and then ran up the hillto pick up daughter and friend again.
Today I took old aunt in law to the docs and to a cremation. Then I picked up daugher and Madedinner. Tomorrow I will meet friend for coffee then Prepare For son returning home from France.
Utterly bored now so will stop borng any readers,
Good night xxx

a year ago

or so my little sister went off to university and my big sister was one year into being treated for leukaemia. i started to do this blog because sadly, i have an eternal capacity to think everything that is happening, or to need to share it, to spill it. i thought that eventually it would metamorph into an ability to write stories or a novel or something. i lament this has not occured.

off my little sister has gone for her second year; and she like me and my entire family are changed people, matured by the hard and cruel reality of life that doesn't spare you even when you thought you were somehow exempt from it's darker arrows.

that sweet eldest sister who was one year in to a hateful illness is no longer with us and our big sister, big sister to eight of us siblings left behind has gone. we are all in our twenties and thirties now but the loss of her feels like she has been ripped out of the bedroom we used to share as children when we would play games like cowbank and libraries - memories only she and i share-
memories of all our fights and squabbles, hopes and dreams.

death is like a silent invisible thief. it steals you away from under the loving hands that try to keep you here.

i am going to go to the graveyard today and water the plants.

as a big sister she was unique and made you laugh and chuckle. she had a wise approach to life and was very reassuring and encouraging.

my children (including her little one) are all arguing loudly so i can't focus.
next time.
and i love you forever sis and i always will.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

thoroughly tired

i would love to go back to bed and sleep but three children are wide awake; tiny one has been having major inexplicable tantrums since he woke, pointing and gesticulating and screeching without me knowing what he wants. he is not ill. i give him cereal... he demands lolly which i think means ice cream, so i get some yoghurt which he seems happy about but then he wants to hold the big yoghurt pot, then he throws his bowl of yoghurt and screechs some more while i have no idea what he actually wants .... tired.
little cousin nephew is on great form to start with and cheery but after an hour of being up and fed he has a huge - baby has just emerged from the kitchen carrying the tub of ice cream he has got out of the freezer saying lolly and he is trying to reach the bowls saying caw caw....

anyway little nephew 7, is in my bedroom which is downstairs, having a huge sort of tantrum, because five minutes ago ice cream eating baby (1 and half) knocked over his lego tower. tired.
now, baby wants me to feed him the flipping ice cream as well.

little girl is at least quiet watching shrek 2, though as i type she calls that she wants to watch something else. the ice cream thing is catching, now little nephew would like some 'because i am hot' he says.
i have a streaming cold. i comply. i am tired and wish they would all suddenly want to sleep for an hour, or i had a magic wand to freeze them for a bit so i could go back to bed.
teenager is exempt from all this lucky thing, fast asleep upstairs. i will have to wake him soon as he has to read the second half of to kill a mocking bird. but right now it is best he sleeps because if he is in the current mix of baby and child demands and tantrums i will feel even tirder, so i will wake him in half an hour.

why do i write this?
no idea some people just like noting the mundane day to day stuff and i am one of those i guess.

vomit versus the shits

i don't know which i'd choose if given the choice.... vomiting is a scary reversal of what feels physically right and renders the author powerless and spasmed into retching up their dinner over a toilet pan which could never be described as pleasant.
the other version is equally dignity reducing and often involves a race to the loo followed by an uncontrollable explosion beyond normal comprehension... and then the lyrics 'and it burns burns burns...the ring of fire' spring to mind.
that of course occurs following maybe a couple of days wandering around with a vague ball of nausea somewhere in the abdomen region .

i actually have spent a few days in the vicinity of the sick... at the weekend my son age one brought up innumerable mouthfuls of thick white gloop followed by nappies of badly made Chinese chicken curry -or so it looked- or thick gravy. i am sorry to share this but i was traumatised. following some more upbringing of general liquid he finally seemed better and my big son -14- took over the mantle. with sinking heart i heard him run across the floor above where i sat followed by the sound of much liquid hitting the floor and so my next duty involved mopping this up and praying i'd be spared despite the physical contact.

then my daughter complained of sick feeling and had a mild touch of the bug.
then i felt ill for the day i won't go into that but following exertive sickersise i could not stay awake which was awkward as i was at home with my one year old. but in a strange kind of way, it was rather lucky that my big son, recovered from sickness, developed a crick in the neck that stopped him from going to school. a difficult one to endorse but it seemed to really hurt and he must have slept badly. so he stayed awake with the little tiny boy while i swooned on the sofa feeling like utter shit.

however, i did not get much sympathy from signifci who barely registered when i texted him at work with the news -i am sick too- it is now nearly nine pm and he still hasn't exuded any sympathy. in fact when he got home from work and a couple of pints in the pub, he managed to intricate himself into a row with big son... somehow this strangely cured me from my illness- having threatened to leave immediately which actually i could not face since being quite ill, the sound of escalating row caused me to throw sickness to the wind and crack open a cold becks. it's amazing that family discord can put an end to drawn out illness. i just hope the beer doesn't resurface at 2 in the morning with a vengeance.

any way, to end on, yesterday i made a green lentil kind of mush with butternut squash pieces, and other bits, like an Irish stew type thing with mash potato and, retrospectively, quite sadly, without the meat. i served it up to me and signifci who ate it and looked as though he was eating a pile of shit, though very tolerantly and politely...and big son, who said he liked it.

 following my morning of frequent toilet visits i don't think i will ever ever ever make that particular dish again as it has a sullied reputation which i will forever link with the toilet pan. yuk yuk yuk, i feel queasy as i type.

lets hope tomorrow is a brand new day..

meat versus veg

not much money, just enough, and belly's to feed.
i am not all that keen on meat at the moment though i did eat a steak and chips yesterday and it felt quite nutritional. speaking of money, i got the steaks- regular beef steaks (about five clean sinew-free fairly fat steaks) for about £3 from tescos , reduced from about £6, and needing to be eaten yesterday.
served it with chips, peas and buttered marrow, yum. daughter sometimes asks for chewy meat (since our regular diet consists of minced beef recipies and chicken mostly). But she didn't really finish it.
anyway today i am planning to make spaggetti bol because you can't really go wrong with that and it pleases most. it is easy. i have recently taken to buying the basic/value range of mince since it comes up ok, but i cook and drain off the fat first and pick out any bits of white chewy stuff-tiny bits- (yuk) if i see them. once met with onion, garlic, tomatoes herbs etc and stock and cooked till it marries nicely (with cheaper meat i cook for a few hrs...) it tastes lovely with some pasta and grated cheese.
however, this week i am skintalintos and i have decided to give meat to the fussy meat eaters in the family and i am gonna make some vege stuff and see how it tastes.

i am boiling up some green lentils and will cook with onions, garlic, courgettes, tomatoes, and maybe some other things and see if it is nice with pasta, and maybe as a sort of cottage pie.
as i type it sounds unappealing but i am gonna give it a try.

last week my dad got two humungus cauliflours from lewisham market and gave me one. i got two cauliflour cheeses out of it and i made a veg curry which i thought looked lovely....onion, ginger, garlic, tin toms, cauliflour, potatoes, carrots and peas...with spices cooked in oil first etc etc. however, for some reason it simply fermented in the fridge for five days and never got eaten and i have just thrown it away.
i think the gentle noises from the males (minus the littlest male of one) of how nice it would be with some chicken added and the general overload of cauliflour led it to it's fetid end, where even i could not face it. but i plan to make another just for me, while they can continue to eat their meat!

any way. thats it really.

westminster bridge at sunrise

westminster bridge at sunrise we- myself, my son of one, my mum, two of my sisters and one of their boyfs and a doting friend of my late, sweet sister  gathered to throw deep red roses into the swirling thames and watch them drift away. the incongruity of the deep beautiful and suddenly fragile flowers as they met the strong current of the rushing thames was somehow quite beautiful. and we called to her, and in the opening pale gold of the morning light i could almost feel her warm smile comforting us from the wide open sky.
it was not quite as quiet as when wordsworth stood somewhere there, and we could see no fields or theatres ....the bridge was closed to traffic, thankfully, but peopled with many busy figures going home or setting out; this is a different century...., but the bright fresh morning and the wakeful river still made a beautiful setting for our sister's birthday morning.

the sun slowly rose and despite the trimmings of modernity; the wakefulness of the city.... the majesty of the morning spoke to us as glass windows and metal on buildings afar reflected the dazzling sun's steep climb. the sky met with the pale emanating yellow light and daytime was officially begun. upon which we left the bridge and returned to our car to go home.


at the graveyard at falconwood later we again gathered, family and friends to sit at the graveside where our sister was laid and i found the beautiful flowers so lovely and yet so sorrowful as there was just not my sister and the why why why????? would not leave my head....how i long to spend her birthday with her not sitting near the silent closed grave. the bitter unfairness of this life is forefront in my mind as i have to accept once again that i only have memories passed and no longer can see of touch the vessel of the beautiful soul who has flown.

happy birthday sister i love you forever and will miss you forever.
the day you were born was a momentus and special day when the world was granted the beautiful privalige to have had you step upon its soil. and as a sister i am so grateful to have known beautiful you.