because she could not stop for death

I have woken up today with the weight of death upon me. I think that may describe what I feel. an anxiety that sits between my eyes, in my chest and in my stomach. yesterday two relatives of sorts gave birth within hours of each other to new baby girls. the flurry of activity and newness birth always  emanates even when you are not in the circle sat uncomfortably in my energy. a grief grew anew within me like a small seed which will grow and grow deep within. i feel it will grow until its stalk chokes my heart and the leaves and branches suffocate me and force their way out of my mouth through my throat.
 birth, a new and hopeful moment so utterly opposite to death. death that cannot be undone.
birth feels a traitor to me this morning though these words cannot truly express what i mean.
i feel death near me. beside me on the sofa and i wish i could only feel her presence.

it is four months and 2 days since she died and the the weeks have been thick and heavy with the fog of incomprehension and disbelief. still no word from her. somehow these births and new beginnings take her further away from me. i wish that i could feel her in some way. but then god never listened either. i think today is a hard day. while some are ok today is not.

Emily Dickinson's poem (not accurately copied dash-wise)

because i could not stop for death
he kindly stopped for me
the carriage held but just ourselves
and immortality

we drove slowly- he knew no haste
and i had put away
my labour and my leisure too
for his civility

we passed the school where children strove
at recess-in the ring
we passed the fields of grazing grain
we passed the setting sun

or rather- he passed us
the dews grew quivering and chill
for only gossamer my gown
my tippet- only tulle

we paused before a house that seemed
a swelling of the ground
the roof was scarcely visible
the cornice in the ground

since then-tis centuries-and yet
feels shorter than the day
i first surmised the horses heads
were towards eternity.

my sister had a real affinity with Emily Dickinson's language and expression and i find thesae words don't comfort but somehow express the way i feel about things today.