Just another episode

This is the place I come to when I can no longer look on the Bright Side. When I wonder how it can all be so shit sometimes.
Where do I begin?
This is the place I come to when all my plans to write fizzle out and I can suddenly write and yet all I can write is of the misery.
This isn't head stuff, emo stuff, it's life stuff, family stuff that just makes me feel pretty hopeless though surprisingly calm and quite pragmatic.
It is about a little girl of six who would like a violin for Christmas and who is so excited about Halloween and distant birthdays,becoming crying and scared because her teenage brother and his step dad come to near blows frequently and is she terrified the police will be called again by a concerned neighbour.
It is about a woman trying to keep a semblance of normality whilst simultaneously maintaining a dysfunctional aggravated relationship. It is about thinking her children would be better off adopted in a calm family who have space and calm and violin practice, and don't simply struggle to survive and keep up appearances.

I attended a course pre summer about positive thinking; a very effective course which has impacted well. However, the anger and swearing of the man in my life,  is too much to bear and he wonders why I don't want to cuddle with passion and love .....ew right now!

My son hates him most of the time. He hates his swearing and shouting and coarseness.
I cannot help but defend the coarse one. He is only like that when something upsets or does not please him.
But I need another point of view, a second opinion. I don't trust my judgement. Perhaps I am too forgiving, or perhaps I am just plain nasty and horrible and in fact hateful.
The voice of a victim?
Martyr- someone who silently radiates to the world how long suffering they are, how they do so much to help and support others whilst nothing for themselves.
Victim- someone who sees themselves at the mercy of others behaviors and actions and who is powerless to take action.
Mature- Someone who recognizes the reality of the situation and seeks to alter it for better, to take control and recognize their  responsibility and make decisions and choices for one's own life.

So anyway. She, the little one fell asleep on the sofa beside me as she was upset and it was late, and the swearing and confrontation and slamming doors and stamping up and down the stairs was too much for her.
I now don't intervene too much, especially not with anger, as that would make three of us. I will chastise, and for some reason(as I grew up with confrontation, and Jesus-turning-the- table's kind of self righteous and morally justified anger), I can only calmly (something thoroughly rejected in my upbringing) point out how I see the behavior as wrong, and point out how it is hurtful etc. I genuinely don't see hitting, or swearing, or shouting as effective means of behavior control, and yet my home has these things (minus the hitting) frequently.

I did however become a little involved eventually. As i sat down, after a long day working, to watch an episode of Downton Abbey the argument began in the kitchen.
I didn't jump up and get involved. I like to let them work it out for themselves.
So, it proceeds: some affirmative adult male swearing and raised voice of disbelief and disgust...e.g 'you can't fucking do that, give it back to her.'
At this point my teenage son enters the room I am sitting in- on the sofa facing the TV, as you do- He is holding a pen that his little sister had been using in the kitchen where she did her homework along side her daddy who was half helping her and half watching rugby. "----" I exclaim (actually!) 'What are you doing, ---- was using that pen to do her homework, why are you being mean to her? Thats out of order, give her pen back to her'. He answers, 'I'ts my pen, I only need it for a second' (i had recently asked him to note down some info foe me regarding his failing bus pass) as he rushes around looking for another to give to her'.

Yes, i say, but she is using it, (it is an insignificant Biro) I say some more about how this is not correct etc...more informal though than that.
At this point, adult male enters the room and says something like 'i know where you get your f...ing behavior from... you fucking...blah type stuff...fu...ing outrageous....not paying for any of you any more....wont pay rent....' it all jumbles up for me. He leaves the area and I repeat to son that his sister is working hard on her homework etc etc...out of order etc.
Anyways, some further things ensue. Little girl comes through crying bitterly and I say to lie down next to me. Some tramping up and down stairs and shouts of teenager 'get out of my fucking room now....over and over. Little girl crying and scared....running to say 'it's ok daddy I have a pen now' at this point she is terrified of police being called. I say stay with me, and I think I go upstairs to see what is going on. Adult male storms down the stairs past me. Words are bandied about like 'hes a cunt, needs to move out, wont pay rent till he's out...when he is 18 i will knock him out...someone will knock you out...i hate you and your fucking son....' as he passes and this bile billows from his mouth . I react with 'shut up.' How else can I respond. I don't appreciate this method of dealing with family issues.
As I write this I feel awful that this hardly shocks me....it only makes me cold to adult male, and more caring and patient towards my son. I wonder why I am here with this? Who do I blame? What do I condone? Is it because of the emotional horrors and violent outbursts I have witnessed through my life that I can explain this away or come to live with it?

So I reiterate to son that this was wrong taking the pen. Trying to show some support for adult male despite his rocketing off the handle and all-guns -a -blazing shooting out profanities, stomping and shouting his head off at the first sign of something he disproves of. Son stays in his room angry. Like a smoking gun.

As little she calms and is OK, I say...did he snatch the pen from you without asking? This is the first moment I've had to establish what happened.
No he asked me lots and said please please please ...
oh, he did ask then?
yes, but daddy said no as I was doing my homework.
oh, so daddy interfered, I thought, not quite as justifiable as he gave the impression my son just snatched it,. while i would agree that despite nice requests that doesn't make the requestee obliged to acquiesce. However, I thought, why could adult male not just let little she work it out for herself, make up her own mind?
At this new discovery I briefly leave the room to tell adult male that  had no idea that teenager had asked and said please a few times.
Yes but it's not right, its out of order. You are teaching ---little she-- that it is OK to snatch etc etc.
In retrospect now I wonder why he couldn't just encourage her to lend him the pen for a moment or at least calmly chastise him ...ultimately its a small blip, the teenager was not dope smoking or swearing at anyone.......

After some more massive outpouring at me about my dreadful hateful son I tell adult male that he is a shit role model and that my son understandably hates him.

I return to watching  Downton Abbey and little she lies on the sofa wrapped in a puffy duvet and looking tired and tearstained.

Enters adult male to remove the lead from the TV and leave the room. I sit nicely for five minutes not too fussed.
Adult male returns and says he will now punish me every time my son is bad or something to that effect.
I iterate that this is not a punishment as I rarely watch television anyway.
He returns to watch the sport in the kitchen.

About five minutes later I feel aggrieved suddenly as was enjoying Downton Abbey. I enter the kitchen and ask for the lead. No he says. So I remove the iPad that he is watching and walk away with it as he tells me to give it back walking after me. I place it on the floor and put my foot on top of it lightly and say that if he doesn't return the TV lead I will smash it to pieces. I feel I have nothing to lose now.
My daughter comes to see and cries, 'no mummy'. He says 'look now you've made her upset'.
You started it I say. Give me the TV lead.
He calls me a name and gets the lead.
Plug it in too, I say (getting a little carried away)
No he says. I allow him to take the iPad.

More names describing me from his point of view, then he goes and leaves me alone.
I watch Downton Abbey to the end.
Teenage son comes down with a fossil for little she's show and tell.

She goes to sleep.
I go to bed upstairs with my 2 year old.
He sleeps in our bedoom.
Son sleeps in his own room.