i have to set the scene. even if no one is listening. i sit here with a lighted candle- a Christmas present from an aunt, it smells nice, someone round here has bad guts. plus it means i can light my cigarette easily. I am nearly through a bottle of red wine, no extras, that's what it says on the label. my daughter 5 is in bed, back to school tomorrow and my son, nearly two is with his dad (bad guts) in the front room.
i have had an eventful few days of the new year in that i have taken the kids out nearly daily, to the woods to roam, to the science museum, to the swimming pool and to the national art gallery. more activity in a few days than in a whole year.
i am nearly ready to go to bed. daughter 5 yrs back to school tomorrow. big son back on Tuesday. nephew on Tuesday.
i planned not to drink tonight, to go to bed early, but the allure was too strong.
he is not at work tomorrow so can take her to school. a friend has forced me to go to lunch with her tomorrow, so will go. i have reflexology work to do in the week and some house cleansing for a friend. am busy.
but this year i need more. i want to start up properly as self employed i need to pay the bills.
i want to live.
i want to see stuff and go to exhibitions.
i want to take part.
i want to change things.
i need to pay the bills and i am no longer afraid of making money (another long story).
i really want to paint like Rousseau and i want to write.
don't know what yet but i know when i find out then i won't stop.
please let me find out soon!
i want o read my sister's writing. she died in February last year.
I want to keep talking about her.
I want to dream every night, big long therapeutic dreams where i visit almost everyone and everything i have ever known.
life is a sad state of affairs sometimes.
what is life tis not hereafter, present mirth ........ present laughter......................
life is for living.
we don't know when it will STOP...
Sunday, 6 January 2013
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
silence.
i keep thinking that she will invite me round for one of her beautiful meals before all this happened, before she died. come round, she'd say, i am gonna make a glorious meal, a red wine sauce or lime chicken or her sublime egg on toast.bring the children. one of the last things she made me were crispy salmon fish cakes.
she will chat and talk of new things. she will bubble with excitement of living, we will laugh and gossip in the way you do when there is no threatening cloud of anything but what you'd just expect. the usual.
i look after her boy and i still think i will see her to make sure i am doing it OK, doing the right thing. being the right way. but she is all quiet now and won't tell me anything.
it is weird the way her absence hits you even though you buried her and even saw her to the end as she left this mortal coil. even then it doesn't hit home where she has gone, why she went or if she even really did.
am i sure she is not still gazing out of the window in the hospital at the whispering trees or watching the ebb and flow of the trees above the roof tops from her sitting room window. how can i be sure she is gone?
it is her silence. her long silence.
she will chat and talk of new things. she will bubble with excitement of living, we will laugh and gossip in the way you do when there is no threatening cloud of anything but what you'd just expect. the usual.
i look after her boy and i still think i will see her to make sure i am doing it OK, doing the right thing. being the right way. but she is all quiet now and won't tell me anything.
it is weird the way her absence hits you even though you buried her and even saw her to the end as she left this mortal coil. even then it doesn't hit home where she has gone, why she went or if she even really did.
am i sure she is not still gazing out of the window in the hospital at the whispering trees or watching the ebb and flow of the trees above the roof tops from her sitting room window. how can i be sure she is gone?
it is her silence. her long silence.
Sunday, 30 December 2012
'merry Christmas my arse i pray god its our last'
i haven't written for a long time. i suppose i got fed up with the agony of life mixed with my attempt to render it explainable. the most mundane thing was the agony consisted of a series of domestic miseries and discontents. it moaned it groaned it carried the weight of life squarely on its shoulders.
this has been a hugely horrible year. a horrible anus of a year as the queen said, or something to that effect.
here i sit at an old pc (not the laptop i dream to get soon) with the customary glass of white wine and ice at my fingertips. in the distance i hear wails of pain or pleasure of the children playing. i still live in anticipation of a wail here or there from a teased 23 month old, a five year old or a seven year old or a cross low grumble from my ever growing taller fourteen year old. not to mention the intolerant wails of the significant other who from the way he acts, must come from a different planet to women and children.
this has been our first Christmas in a earthly world that consists not of my sister - mother of the seven year old- who died in February. rather suddenly though having battled a very short year and a half against voldemort leukemia. how strange it still is to realize her absence and pass each day knowing she has gone. no amount of pain or suffering, tears or obstinate anger can bring her back to me or anyone least of all her little son.
this Christmas was the first i felt absolutely no tingle of Christmas. it was all practicalities which suited me fine. presents and stockings and elderly relatives and shopping lists. but twinkling fairy lights couldn't even raise a glimmer of innocent anticipation. i am ready to take the Christmas things down.
i am not sure about new year. i have nothing planned for tomorrow night. it will be no different to any other.
here is to a new year again and the grief of understanding that nearly a year has passed since she was taken away may start to settle like sediment in the brain. i hope to move forward and make something of my life. the bills need to be paid for a start. but i am not wholly sure how bright it will be, if i can cut out drinking or start to see a brighter day.
god rest her beautiful soul.
this has been a hugely horrible year. a horrible anus of a year as the queen said, or something to that effect.
here i sit at an old pc (not the laptop i dream to get soon) with the customary glass of white wine and ice at my fingertips. in the distance i hear wails of pain or pleasure of the children playing. i still live in anticipation of a wail here or there from a teased 23 month old, a five year old or a seven year old or a cross low grumble from my ever growing taller fourteen year old. not to mention the intolerant wails of the significant other who from the way he acts, must come from a different planet to women and children.
this has been our first Christmas in a earthly world that consists not of my sister - mother of the seven year old- who died in February. rather suddenly though having battled a very short year and a half against voldemort leukemia. how strange it still is to realize her absence and pass each day knowing she has gone. no amount of pain or suffering, tears or obstinate anger can bring her back to me or anyone least of all her little son.
this Christmas was the first i felt absolutely no tingle of Christmas. it was all practicalities which suited me fine. presents and stockings and elderly relatives and shopping lists. but twinkling fairy lights couldn't even raise a glimmer of innocent anticipation. i am ready to take the Christmas things down.
i am not sure about new year. i have nothing planned for tomorrow night. it will be no different to any other.
here is to a new year again and the grief of understanding that nearly a year has passed since she was taken away may start to settle like sediment in the brain. i hope to move forward and make something of my life. the bills need to be paid for a start. but i am not wholly sure how bright it will be, if i can cut out drinking or start to see a brighter day.
god rest her beautiful soul.
Sunday, 11 November 2012
punishment stew and scrambled blog
my duties at home: care of children aged one, five and fourteen- includes negotiating problems as they arise, calming irrational behaviors, educating on how to approach problems as and when they arise.
finding activities for them to do, toys to play with. assisting/ encouraging.. homework.
negotiating ructions between them and father of house-quick to anger difficult to subside.
tidying continual mess of toys, snacks, shoes, clothes, banana wrappers, mugs left in bathrooms, school clothes tossed asunder....wet towels on floor...empty loo roll tubes....books moved and dumped.... toys everywhere underfoot, tiny Lego type pieces everywhere...
repeated reiteration of tidying up, replacing, putting away duties...
daily laundry of clothes for work, school and play- sorting, washing and drying and folding and putting away (rarely ironing if i can help it).
weekly food planning- is there anything else to eat except what we eat all the time?
shopping for food and household items.
cooking from scratch.
washing up, putting away, hoovering, cleaning kitchen floor regularly.
most recently, emptying and redecorating their rooms in snatched times when baby asleep.
decluttering and managing household waste.
daily outings for one year old.
also extra curricular- caring for an elderly aunt once a week- shopping/ form filling, tidying etc...
and a few other bits plus other stuff i don't feel like sharing cause it will taker to long (helping another person declutter-paid work!! and practice of therapy i am trained in until i can afford to become insured, supplement my qualification with further courses and earn money from it...)
the emotional fallout of all of the above is surrounding me like ashy remains of a nuclear bomb.
so due to lack of money and companionship in the life i live i am going to make the next week's diet surround the theme of chick peas.
you see, i just sat at the PC and completed three different online shopping journeys around three different stores- asda,, tesco and waitrose to see which was the cheapest. having printed up some recipes from the internet i gathered together my ingredients for things to make like Jamie Oliver's modern Greek salad, j/o spinach chickpea and feta parcels, chorizo and chick pea stew, aubergine parmigiana,spinach and chick pea curry with sweet potatoes, squash and ricotta bake and j/o green tea salmon, coconut rice and miso greens and then maybe a chicken roast.....plus extra bits and bobs you need like loo roll and washing powder the shop ranged from about 50 quid to about 80 quid for the different shops- plus you get money off for doing your first online shop,,, blahdy blah...
anyway, i felt my taste buds prickle and i felt a hint of interest at the idea of cooking next week.
the last few days we have lived off chick pea varieties and i made a lovely spinach and tomato lasagne the other day. i joked to my mum that we don't like chickpeas and i am secretly punishing my family with them and other vegetablely things generally.
you see, yesterday i felt the only way to punish my family for agonizing me was to dole up punishment stew- chickpeas with everything.
then today i sat down and experimented with the online shopping experience.
having compiled my list, the man i live with said,
rather than getting all this stuff why don't we get a bit of beef
i don't know why, i don't know if i am being irrational, but this felt like a concrete slab falling on my energy. (the irony being that is so sweet and a desperate reach out for a good plate of food it nearly brings tears to my eyes)
i am tired. i have mountains of laundry still to do and i have to think about what to cook for my family who to be crude will simply shit it all out anyway. ew.
people say that nature is indifferent to human suffering, yes, well my family seem indifferent to my human suffering. i feel i work my metaphorical fingers to the bone and yet the lions my family are just seem to fight over my fallen body and tear bits of my exhausted limbs.
any reader out there who has has not gone away due to my lamentations, please forgive my dreadful imagery and outpourings of self pity!!!!!.
anyway i am now planning to buy lots of chick peas.
he can go get his beef.
i can't be arsed to think about what they can all eat and will probably resort to the usual food born out of depression-
fish fingers and chips and beans.
Shepard's pie-yawn
spaghetti bolocksnase - so done
and lots and lots of chickpeas.
finding activities for them to do, toys to play with. assisting/ encouraging.. homework.
negotiating ructions between them and father of house-quick to anger difficult to subside.
tidying continual mess of toys, snacks, shoes, clothes, banana wrappers, mugs left in bathrooms, school clothes tossed asunder....wet towels on floor...empty loo roll tubes....books moved and dumped.... toys everywhere underfoot, tiny Lego type pieces everywhere...
repeated reiteration of tidying up, replacing, putting away duties...
daily laundry of clothes for work, school and play- sorting, washing and drying and folding and putting away (rarely ironing if i can help it).
weekly food planning- is there anything else to eat except what we eat all the time?
shopping for food and household items.
cooking from scratch.
washing up, putting away, hoovering, cleaning kitchen floor regularly.
most recently, emptying and redecorating their rooms in snatched times when baby asleep.
decluttering and managing household waste.
daily outings for one year old.
also extra curricular- caring for an elderly aunt once a week- shopping/ form filling, tidying etc...
and a few other bits plus other stuff i don't feel like sharing cause it will taker to long (helping another person declutter-paid work!! and practice of therapy i am trained in until i can afford to become insured, supplement my qualification with further courses and earn money from it...)
the emotional fallout of all of the above is surrounding me like ashy remains of a nuclear bomb.
so due to lack of money and companionship in the life i live i am going to make the next week's diet surround the theme of chick peas.
you see, i just sat at the PC and completed three different online shopping journeys around three different stores- asda,, tesco and waitrose to see which was the cheapest. having printed up some recipes from the internet i gathered together my ingredients for things to make like Jamie Oliver's modern Greek salad, j/o spinach chickpea and feta parcels, chorizo and chick pea stew, aubergine parmigiana,spinach and chick pea curry with sweet potatoes, squash and ricotta bake and j/o green tea salmon, coconut rice and miso greens and then maybe a chicken roast.....plus extra bits and bobs you need like loo roll and washing powder the shop ranged from about 50 quid to about 80 quid for the different shops- plus you get money off for doing your first online shop,,, blahdy blah...
anyway, i felt my taste buds prickle and i felt a hint of interest at the idea of cooking next week.
the last few days we have lived off chick pea varieties and i made a lovely spinach and tomato lasagne the other day. i joked to my mum that we don't like chickpeas and i am secretly punishing my family with them and other vegetablely things generally.
you see, yesterday i felt the only way to punish my family for agonizing me was to dole up punishment stew- chickpeas with everything.
then today i sat down and experimented with the online shopping experience.
having compiled my list, the man i live with said,
rather than getting all this stuff why don't we get a bit of beef
i don't know why, i don't know if i am being irrational, but this felt like a concrete slab falling on my energy. (the irony being that is so sweet and a desperate reach out for a good plate of food it nearly brings tears to my eyes)
i am tired. i have mountains of laundry still to do and i have to think about what to cook for my family who to be crude will simply shit it all out anyway. ew.
people say that nature is indifferent to human suffering, yes, well my family seem indifferent to my human suffering. i feel i work my metaphorical fingers to the bone and yet the lions my family are just seem to fight over my fallen body and tear bits of my exhausted limbs.
any reader out there who has has not gone away due to my lamentations, please forgive my dreadful imagery and outpourings of self pity!!!!!.
anyway i am now planning to buy lots of chick peas.
he can go get his beef.
i can't be arsed to think about what they can all eat and will probably resort to the usual food born out of depression-
fish fingers and chips and beans.
Shepard's pie-yawn
spaghetti bolocksnase - so done
and lots and lots of chickpeas.
Tuesday, 6 November 2012
clutterbugs
i have been enlisted and employed to help someone declutter on a mega scale which is quite funny as i struggle myself though mostly due to a lack of space - especially storage space. i am very into decluttering and removing baggage that we hold on to because it does contain clogged up and messed up energy and we should not have it. that said, i am surrounded now by clutter and my shelves are messy and unclear, but in time i will sort that....
anyway, this woman has a definite issue with hoarding and just spending five minutes with her as she reluctantly threw away some leaflets and receipts on the utter surface of the mountain of clutter filled me with a misery, realizing that this person who comes across so well balanced has in fact some mega problems with letting things go to the point where you cannot enter a room for the hoard. it was like this professional woman suddenly turned into a small helpless child when confronted with a surmountable problem. i felt my positive energy zapped as i suggested getting rid of a pile of old newspapers and was told she was not ready. and she wants to get the room cleared by Christmas....it is like something from the hoarder programs; the room ranges from knee high to neck high clutter and is only just accessible.
i agreed to a once a week meeting (will take forever!) and i am now researching the best approaches to subliminally helping someone let go of material shit that they really do not need, yet think they want. i am into basic feng shui and am reading a great little book on it. and i may take some photos and see if we progress which may be difficult because she came over all funny and shaky after i tentatively but calmly picked up small paper item after item saying..... how about this? this looks out of date.
the art i think, is respecting that persons right to gather things but trying then to somehow loosen their hold on it and help them gain the courage to part with what feel like significant items..... but the slowness of this is difficult for someone like me who likes action.
ultimately i aim to develop my skills of therapy and positive life enhancement and i will see if i can find any techniques to empower this person to shake off their self harming of hoarding every single bit of crap that comes their way and helping them to keep only that which enhances their life journey. my fear is that in my consideration i may end up agreeing they need every last little thing they have accrued because i don't like to step on psychological toes. but i will try.
wow, oprah eat your heart out!
anyway, this woman has a definite issue with hoarding and just spending five minutes with her as she reluctantly threw away some leaflets and receipts on the utter surface of the mountain of clutter filled me with a misery, realizing that this person who comes across so well balanced has in fact some mega problems with letting things go to the point where you cannot enter a room for the hoard. it was like this professional woman suddenly turned into a small helpless child when confronted with a surmountable problem. i felt my positive energy zapped as i suggested getting rid of a pile of old newspapers and was told she was not ready. and she wants to get the room cleared by Christmas....it is like something from the hoarder programs; the room ranges from knee high to neck high clutter and is only just accessible.
i agreed to a once a week meeting (will take forever!) and i am now researching the best approaches to subliminally helping someone let go of material shit that they really do not need, yet think they want. i am into basic feng shui and am reading a great little book on it. and i may take some photos and see if we progress which may be difficult because she came over all funny and shaky after i tentatively but calmly picked up small paper item after item saying..... how about this? this looks out of date.
the art i think, is respecting that persons right to gather things but trying then to somehow loosen their hold on it and help them gain the courage to part with what feel like significant items..... but the slowness of this is difficult for someone like me who likes action.
ultimately i aim to develop my skills of therapy and positive life enhancement and i will see if i can find any techniques to empower this person to shake off their self harming of hoarding every single bit of crap that comes their way and helping them to keep only that which enhances their life journey. my fear is that in my consideration i may end up agreeing they need every last little thing they have accrued because i don't like to step on psychological toes. but i will try.
wow, oprah eat your heart out!
erm
i can't really write freely because i think my boyf and son nosey onto my blog sometimes but still i will just say, times feel tough. and sometimes a woman needs love. yesterday a lovely man in a very understated way, as we discussed our ages, told me i look young and beautiful ( i am nearly 35) and i wanted to marry him theoretically- it is that easy boys. i sang some songs with my brothers accompanying me on piano and guitar and i felt so good and appreciated , then when i went home to my regular misery i felt old and haggard and tired. why is it that the man you chose to love doesn't say those things to you? why is it in the winter that things get even harder. i miss my therapist. he'd understand!
Monday, 5 November 2012
winter moods
i think there is a pattern that it has taken so long for me to see, that winter can bring with it domestic misery. i think i may be OK generally regarding this, but i have noticed my 'other half' gets quite wretched during this current time. the tension in my home and the arguments and nagging that begins seems to be married with the cold and the dark and the bills and the winter generally.
it actually hurts my very nervous system
it actually hurts my very nervous system
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