dancing in the moonlight king harvest Danny says reminds him of you and never my love by the association. i have been listening to if i die young by the band perry and tears in heaven by eric clapton
i am trying to remember this song you used to sing with your guitar about crying but i can't find it.
Wednesday, 29 February 2012
the colour purple
before you went sister i told you you must read this book. you said you did want to and i had it ready to bring to you. it was about hardships of childhood; indomitable women and being parted from your sister for many years and wondering if your sister is dead.
it is about noticing the colour purple in fields. and how god just wants you to notice this.
i found this book resonated with me loudly, the love of the sisters particularly. and i had shivers at its end.
it had a happy ending.
but alice walker is a novelist and a medium and somehow the ending was both real and also heavenly.
it reminds me of the pictures my grandpa most recently painted of little boats in the sky peopled with figures.
sailing through the top of the painting in boats like in a woody allen film.
he left behind the vivid views of France cottages and country side; the many moons and the poplar trunks- or that's how i see them, tall and thin and of my childhood; and he went back to his imaginary worlds with sailing boats in the sky.
Rubi; are you in one of these sailing boats?
it has been most moving to see family members who have grown up and older come together for rachel. seeing my grandpa sprinkling holy water over your coffin sweet sister was so strange and sad. big Ursula came into the church to say goodbye she was so old and slightly bent over rach but she came all that way to be there with you once last time.
we followed you out of the church and there were beautiful flowers for you saying- rubi, sister, rachel, a heart from dylan, a music note from jess a wreath from us and norris- 'she was in her cradle' and loads more. they came from far rubi and we listened to your angelic voice singing out over the church. you were such a humble angel rachy; so much an angel.
it is about noticing the colour purple in fields. and how god just wants you to notice this.
i found this book resonated with me loudly, the love of the sisters particularly. and i had shivers at its end.
it had a happy ending.
but alice walker is a novelist and a medium and somehow the ending was both real and also heavenly.
it reminds me of the pictures my grandpa most recently painted of little boats in the sky peopled with figures.
sailing through the top of the painting in boats like in a woody allen film.
he left behind the vivid views of France cottages and country side; the many moons and the poplar trunks- or that's how i see them, tall and thin and of my childhood; and he went back to his imaginary worlds with sailing boats in the sky.
Rubi; are you in one of these sailing boats?
it has been most moving to see family members who have grown up and older come together for rachel. seeing my grandpa sprinkling holy water over your coffin sweet sister was so strange and sad. big Ursula came into the church to say goodbye she was so old and slightly bent over rach but she came all that way to be there with you once last time.
we followed you out of the church and there were beautiful flowers for you saying- rubi, sister, rachel, a heart from dylan, a music note from jess a wreath from us and norris- 'she was in her cradle' and loads more. they came from far rubi and we listened to your angelic voice singing out over the church. you were such a humble angel rachy; so much an angel.
nothing compares to you
this hurt is new. it is barren and desolate and lonely.
it is like when the ring goes on in lord of the rings.
my mind is filled with child hood memories places we went and places we passed on the way to ballet for example but it is lonely and empty and i cannot see our young forms there. i just see the things without you and us in them.
the crashing silence of this thing death howls in my ears.
my children stayed off school today we stayed long at the wake.
my home is cluttered again as i do not wish to do any housework
i barely want to do anything.
i keep revisiting the days leading to her going from us.
the weekend it snowed.
i heard she was very tired and weak
i did not see her though i had children around to look after. it was to be monday that i saw her but monday she was rushed into hospital and tuesday she died.
i raced to the hospital first on monday to be with her.
she did not recognise me i think although i cannot be sure. she was 'confused' they said.
we left her at 8 pm or so in intensive care with a plan that sounded like there would be a tomorrow. at 1 am or so my phone shrilly rang and then i raced blindly to my car. i drove through the dark night streets and parked. the images from her childhood favourite film the outsiders running through my head when the police close in on mat dillon as he runs away.
i ran into the quiet hospital running to the lift. to my sister. if i could get to her i could keep her alive.
this same large space i ran through five years ago as i left in the witching hour with my baby daughter.
she was gone by the hours beteen 4 and 5 am
she just slipped away and left us here bereft and heart broken.
we all had come all her brothers and sisters her brother in laws and her parents to will her to stay; to love her, keep her here with us.
it is like when the ring goes on in lord of the rings.
my mind is filled with child hood memories places we went and places we passed on the way to ballet for example but it is lonely and empty and i cannot see our young forms there. i just see the things without you and us in them.
the crashing silence of this thing death howls in my ears.
my children stayed off school today we stayed long at the wake.
my home is cluttered again as i do not wish to do any housework
i barely want to do anything.
i keep revisiting the days leading to her going from us.
the weekend it snowed.
i heard she was very tired and weak
i did not see her though i had children around to look after. it was to be monday that i saw her but monday she was rushed into hospital and tuesday she died.
i raced to the hospital first on monday to be with her.
she did not recognise me i think although i cannot be sure. she was 'confused' they said.
we left her at 8 pm or so in intensive care with a plan that sounded like there would be a tomorrow. at 1 am or so my phone shrilly rang and then i raced blindly to my car. i drove through the dark night streets and parked. the images from her childhood favourite film the outsiders running through my head when the police close in on mat dillon as he runs away.
i ran into the quiet hospital running to the lift. to my sister. if i could get to her i could keep her alive.
this same large space i ran through five years ago as i left in the witching hour with my baby daughter.
she was gone by the hours beteen 4 and 5 am
she just slipped away and left us here bereft and heart broken.
we all had come all her brothers and sisters her brother in laws and her parents to will her to stay; to love her, keep her here with us.
we buried our sister
yesterday.
the church was packed out
the flowers were most beautiful
the loss was profound
goodbye sweet sister
for now
i know when i calm from this shocking new reality without you
i will find you and hear you again
somehow.
the church was packed out
the flowers were most beautiful
the loss was profound
goodbye sweet sister
for now
i know when i calm from this shocking new reality without you
i will find you and hear you again
somehow.
Monday, 27 February 2012
quite lost without you
you know sis i really had no idea you were gonna leave us. I mean, you are so there, so very there that to even imagine not having you there is simply not possible. and yet you have gone and you are not there. i don't know what to say except that it is like a beautiful aspect on the horizon has been removed. i love you and hope you are reading this although with any luck you are having a fantabulous time and are not yet getting down to reading xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sunday, 26 February 2012
Saturday, 25 February 2012
i haven't written
because each day is to sludgy and i am not myself.
the hard fact that my sister is not here with us how i want her to be makes me very depressed.
the hard fact that my sister is not here with us how i want her to be makes me very depressed.
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