a thousand thoughts

pass through my mind each day as i go about life.
I sit in toddler groups with my baby in Deptford and Brockley and feel surrounded by gaggling geese of mothers crooning at their babies and hovering near their little ones. women mostly, a few men, all shrill mostly very middle class squealing with delight or reprimand.
somehow I feel so out of place amongst them and feel rather unsympathetically , that i am in Roald Dahl's Witches convention; I suspect that beneath their wigs their scalps itch and their saliver is blue.
I try to talk to quietly to my child I cannot bear to join the shrill chorus of mothers....'no harry darling...harry....harry no darling give it back to the little girl....oh you clever boy etc. etc..' I dread someone striking up pointless conversation about children ...where you live..... yawn. but my baby loves it, he toddles here and there and picks things up and puts them down; observes and carefully presses buttons and twists handles. he loves to walk.
all the while, I think of her and how she went so sudden and so entirely and I still can scarce believe the reality of her absence.

another week passes by

today has been an interesting day. i woke up. son off to school. walked daughter to school. walked baby through the park and returned home. baby bored. took him to sainsbury's and carried incredibly heavy bags home making marks on my wrists. phoned friend to say I can't meet her for lunch I feel ill and baby not in good mood. I say to myself- this is your chance ..... to say no, to make a decision and stick to it. tell her you can't go. she tells me she will knock my door at 12 pm and she won't take no for an answer. I say OK. at home I desperately want to stay there. inside it is cool, outside it is hot. I don't have money for lunch. I don't want to play happy. the door knocks at 12. I get the baby and we all go to my car. I drive to Greenwich and we go to a Mexican restaurant. I order a tequila sunrise and beef enchiladas. after the tequila sunrise which tastes surprisingly strong (well it does cost £6) I feel happy and we laugh and eat our food. the bill is high. I only have £10. 'I will get some cash out I owe you £7' I say. 'did you say something?' says my date. 'did she say something?' she asks our other date. we go to Greenwich park and bask in the sun. my sister used to come and sit here in the sun. it is strangely sweet sitting with two women I hardly know who have veritably forced me out of my home to share lunch with them. 'to friendship' we toasted in the restaurant. maybe this is what friendship is. in the most unlikely places, I have never had a friend who drags me unwillingly from my home with the sole purpose of cheering me up. I think my sister would approve. I want to introduce her to them. I can't.
today my son (14) brings home a friend he's been close to but has never brought home before. he is lovely polite and sweet. they eat burgers, a girl from school pops by, she leaves, they have a fire, my nephew and daughter sit with them and they toast marshmallows. they eat cheese burgers I make them. it is nice.
tomorrow I will take my daughter, baby son and nephew to the seaside. my big son has drama and will stay behind with his step dad.....
my baby boy of gorgeousness unknown has been rejected by a modelling agency- I kind of hoped I could make an income for him and me too but I have a rejection email. I feel oddly rejected and sad they cannot recognise his beauty and also relieved I won't be making him into a pretentious model child.
well heres to another week nearly over. i find it strange how i wish the weeks away.

never thought i'd be lke this

i don't think i ever would have allowed myself to become what i feel i have become. although if i allow for the pain of grief, maybe i am becoming consumed by it. and yet what is the opposite to that? i need to grieve. but i only want to grieve, and things that get in the way of that seem to hurt physically and emotionally.
i dreamed last night that i hugged my sister. she called me to her and said let me hug you and we hugged and said thank you to each other for sharing our time growing up as sisters. it was beautiful and i wish i could have stayed asleep and not woken up. when i awake the agony of things is unpleasant, and a messy house, or bickering children,  or thinking of things to do to pass the day seem like insurmountable mountains of nastiness and stress.
what i find quite horrible is that i feel much better when no children are around me- and i have three which doesn't help! i just want to be left alone and yet the incessant whinging doesn't stop. it is like having a gun placed to the head which keeps on firing and firing and firing and firing but i am still alive.

Life's a bitch

and then i guess you die, sometimes fast, sometimes slow.
today i can not find much to see things any other way.
life is sometimes like walking through thick mud in the dark with Wellington boots that are too big for you. with the fear of rats lurking nearby.

i need therapy

i made a mistake. i allowed my son to get a ferret. i now am angry and the ferret may have become a scapegoat, or i am just angry with total justification, i do't know any more.i hate it. it is cute but it smells and anything it touches, smells. it needs three hours of playful entertainment

I have not written for some time as things have been a muddy bleak haze. I have wanted to quit writing this blog and have not stuck to my commitment to write every day. I suppose the constant misery that expounds from my 'pen' is starting to get to me.
But here I go again. As seems to be often the case my house is in a severe state. I mean, I just tripped over a back log of dirty washing in the hall way and landed on my face virtually, thus spilling my tea. I could only laugh, having spent the entire journey to pick my daughter up from school, crying over the loss of my sister.
There I lay, on the floor, tea spilt onto the dirty clothes thinking oh god what can i do this house is a death trap. there is not really anywhere to put the dirty clothes and i can only launder them so fast- though these last few days i have had some kind of insistent inability to put them away once they are clean and dry. why? because the journey upstairs is long and arduous....the stairs are in desperate need of a clean and are littered with muddy dried bits and scraps of paper, dirty clothes that are making their way downstairs.... The loo floor is grimy and piss stained, the bathroom looks like a sess pit, again littered with dirty clothes and general rubbish and the path to the kids room is littered with mess, a ferret ruined rugs and furniture that needs to be thrown. Just writing it down makes me see how I need to go and clear it and throw it all away.Its a danger to us all. why the apathy? i guess it is time. and necessity. there is only so much i can manage with a little tiny boy and stairs and piles of washing and filth that needs to be properly cleaned. i can't magic him asleep. then where i sit, the kitchen the table is high with things, homeless things and the floor is filthy -again -with mud prints and discarded food and just inevitable mess and grime.
this ranting moan is pointless but a vent nonetheless and i know it will pass and things will change. but its now that i am in it.

UNSURE

BEEN A LONG AND STRANGE WEEK the wheel keeps turning.
listening to nirvana my favourite (16 year old self) song which has just come on the radio 'i'm so happy- Lithium'
cut my baby's fringe this week which has turned him into a little boy.
wonder some times whether you can actually have any control over events in your life or if they actually just happen when the time is right for you?
have had vivid mental dreams this week .
good night.