ode to a kind listener and miserability: not very ode like

You are sweet and your words of encouragement from across the Atlantic and through the shimmers of ether on cyberspace are always so lovely and thoughtful.
you are clearly a being of humor and kindness.

I am a miserable goat of time sometimes. In fact I am not so sure I am as anonymous as I thought,  I am probably very identi-mous and findable.  It is cringemaking how little savvy one can be on the wiles of the web.

I like to sound out to the intransigent universe if you can call it that.
The incessant neverending incessantness of the every day. Of the repetitive. Of the decay.
I sometimes can't see it any other way.

My Sister The Amazing (if i were a viking i'd name her that) died last February and still I gripe like I griped before. Nothing changes.

I was born of hippie religious folk, but that really doesn't play a major role in my life. I am fairly cynical when I am not feeling magical. Everyone here is bi polar. I don't want to be another statistic.

I drink too much alcohol. That is my vice, besides also smoking.

Age hovers with its claws waiting to pay me back for all the rubbish I put into my body.

I fairly look forward to some post living state where we can all hang out forever more in a cool and amazing party in the sky!

You know I can't help but wonder if i am just a crazy mentalist....a popular word in this Brit culture in a queue of other mentalists just waiting for something to happen.

I feel like the catcher in the rye guy though i have never finished that novel, I stop when there is some blood somewhere in there.

I would love to read your Other Blog
Feelings are strong and intense and for some, a whole other world that needs a habitat.

But back to you. Thank you for your affinity.
I hope life wakes up clear and bright for you and each day is like an unopened present of the present
and the skies twinkle white and blue.
I hope that is the case dear listener
My ode to you :)

no novelty never. ever.

i haven't written because the novelty has worn off. it wears off everything in the end. i meant to write daily as a personal writing/ therapy project...i was hoping it would suddenly turn into a feel good american or cheap British budget movie where i would be enlightened and find some answers and a rosy glow would take over and i wouldn't still feel like i am tied to a train track with a fast train roaring towards me but never actually reaching me. just roaring towards me.
it must be something in the water.

every day starts to become the same, the daily plights repeat on themselves and the memories twist into the fading present.

okay i may have some issues here. i may infact just be of the ilk that can never just get on with things and be content and happy. i don't really know any more. i have discovered that i am a truly emotional person, in that i respond to the nuances of inspiration and positive experience and unclouded emotion. my confidence balances on a see saw of never nevers.

i am truly fucked. my see saw just will not steady enough for me to just get the fuck on with things.
sometimes i feel like a total misfit.
its ok on here. i am anonymous.
just carved red paint through a shit still life of flowers i painted.
looks much better now.

black brain

it is Monday evening and it feels like someone has found a small lift up hatch in my skull and poured inky black liquid into it. my brain feels black.
at the weekend i did some crazy cleaning all day Saturday in my house, just practically bleaching everything, the walls, the floors, .... i just couldn't stop. it was a bit like meditating. i preferred that to any kind of thinking that may have needed to be done. and on sat eve i went to see my cousin play a gig. it was the first time i'd been out in about 3 years or so. i planned to go quietly and have a dignified drink and leave to go home nice and early. that was at 10 pm when i arrived. cut to 6 hours later and i was falling about like a mad hatter at a highly crazy house party. i didn't get home till nearly six and consequently my brain feels inky black.

Sunday i had to get up at 10 which was a real lie in but didn't feel like it, and i had to carry on as normal and take the kids out to a place i'd promised to take them. it was not pretty. i drove there on auto pilot with the toxins from the night before still crashing through my veins no doubt.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

i have to set the scene. even if no one is listening. i sit here with a lighted candle- a Christmas present from an aunt, it smells nice, someone round here has bad guts. plus it means i can light my cigarette easily. I am nearly through a bottle of red wine, no extras, that's what it says on the label. my daughter 5 is in bed, back to school tomorrow and my son, nearly two is with his dad (bad guts) in the front room.
i have had an eventful few days of the new year in that i have taken the kids out nearly daily, to the woods to roam, to the science museum, to the swimming pool and to the national art gallery. more activity in a few days than in a whole year.
i am nearly ready to go to bed. daughter 5 yrs back to school tomorrow. big son back on Tuesday. nephew on Tuesday.

i planned not to drink tonight, to go to bed early, but the allure was too strong.
he is not at work tomorrow so can take her to school. a friend has forced me to go to lunch with her tomorrow, so will go. i have reflexology work to do in the week and some house cleansing for a friend. am busy.
but this year i need more. i want to start up properly as self employed i need to pay the bills.
i want to live.
i want to see stuff and go to exhibitions.
i want to take part.
i want to change things.
i need to pay the bills and i am no longer afraid of making money (another long story).

i really want to paint like Rousseau and i want to write.
don't know what yet but i know when i find out then i won't stop.
please let me find out soon!

i want o read my sister's writing. she died in February last year.
I want to keep talking about her.
I want to dream every night, big long therapeutic dreams  where i visit almost everyone and everything i have ever known.

life is a sad state of affairs sometimes.
what is life tis not hereafter, present mirth ........ present laughter......................

life is for living.
we don't know when it will STOP...

silence.

i keep thinking that she will invite me round for one of her beautiful meals before all this happened, before she died. come round, she'd say, i am gonna make a glorious meal, a red wine sauce or lime chicken or her sublime egg on toast.bring the children. one of the last things she made me were crispy salmon fish cakes.

she will chat and talk of new things. she will bubble with excitement of living, we will laugh and gossip in the way you do when there is no threatening cloud of anything but what you'd just expect. the usual.

i look after her boy and i still think i will see her to make sure i am doing it OK, doing the right thing. being the right way. but she is all quiet now and won't tell me anything.

it is weird the way her absence hits you even though you buried her and even saw her to the end as she left this mortal coil. even then it doesn't hit home where she has gone, why she went or if she even really did.

am i sure she is not still gazing out of the window in the hospital at the whispering trees or watching the ebb and flow of the trees above the roof tops from her sitting room window. how can i be sure she is gone?

it is her silence. her long silence.

'merry Christmas my arse i pray god its our last'

i haven't written for a long time. i suppose i got fed up with the agony of life mixed with my attempt to render it explainable. the most mundane thing was the agony consisted of a series of domestic miseries and discontents. it moaned it groaned it carried the weight of life squarely on its shoulders.

this has been a hugely horrible year. a horrible anus of a year as the queen said, or something to that effect.
here i sit at an old pc (not the laptop i dream to get soon) with the customary glass of white wine and ice at my fingertips. in the distance i hear wails of pain or pleasure of the children playing. i still live in anticipation of a wail here or there from a teased 23 month old, a five year old or a seven year old or a cross low grumble from my ever growing taller fourteen year old. not to mention the intolerant wails of the significant other who from the way he acts, must come from a different planet to women and children.

this has been our first Christmas in a earthly world that consists not of my sister - mother of the seven year old-  who died in February. rather suddenly though having battled a very short year and a half against voldemort leukemia. how strange it still is to realize her absence and pass each day knowing she has gone. no amount of pain or suffering, tears or obstinate anger can bring her back to me or anyone least of all her little son.

this Christmas was the first i felt absolutely no tingle of Christmas. it was all practicalities which suited me fine. presents and stockings and elderly relatives and shopping lists. but twinkling fairy lights couldn't even raise a glimmer of innocent anticipation. i am  ready to take the Christmas things down.

i am not sure about new year. i have nothing planned for tomorrow night. it will be no different to any other.
here is to a new year again and the grief of understanding that nearly a year has passed since she was taken away may start to settle like sediment in the brain. i hope to move forward and make something of my life. the bills need to be paid for a start. but i am not wholly sure how bright it will be, if i can cut out drinking or start to see a brighter day.

god rest her beautiful soul.

punishment stew and scrambled blog

my duties at home: care of children aged one, five and fourteen- includes negotiating problems as they arise, calming irrational behaviors, educating on how to approach problems as and when they arise.
finding activities for them to do, toys to play with.  assisting/ encouraging.. homework.
negotiating ructions between them and father of house-quick to anger difficult to subside.
tidying continual mess of toys, snacks, shoes, clothes, banana wrappers, mugs left in bathrooms, school clothes tossed asunder....wet towels on floor...empty loo roll tubes....books moved and dumped.... toys everywhere underfoot, tiny Lego type pieces everywhere...
repeated reiteration of tidying up, replacing, putting away duties...
daily laundry of clothes for work, school and play- sorting, washing and drying and folding and putting away (rarely ironing if i can help it).
weekly food planning- is there anything else to eat except what we eat all the time?
shopping for food and household items.
cooking from scratch.
washing up, putting away, hoovering, cleaning kitchen floor regularly.
most recently, emptying and redecorating their rooms in snatched times when baby asleep.
decluttering and managing household waste.
daily outings for one year old.
also extra curricular- caring for an elderly aunt once a week- shopping/ form filling, tidying etc...
and a few other bits plus other stuff i don't feel like sharing cause it will taker to long (helping another person declutter-paid work!! and practice of therapy i am trained in until i can afford to become insured, supplement my qualification with further courses and earn money from it...)


the emotional fallout of all of the above is surrounding me like ashy remains of a nuclear bomb.
so due to lack of money and companionship in the life i live i am going to make the next week's diet surround the theme of chick peas.

you see, i just sat at the PC and completed three different online shopping journeys around three different stores- asda,, tesco and waitrose to see which was the cheapest. having printed up some recipes from the internet i gathered together my ingredients for things to make like Jamie Oliver's modern Greek salad, j/o spinach chickpea and feta parcels, chorizo and chick pea stew, aubergine parmigiana,spinach and chick pea curry with sweet potatoes, squash and ricotta bake and j/o green tea salmon, coconut rice and miso greens and then maybe a chicken roast.....plus extra bits and bobs you need like loo roll and washing powder the shop ranged from about 50 quid to about 80 quid for the different shops- plus you get money off for doing your first online shop,,, blahdy blah...

anyway, i felt my taste buds prickle and i felt a hint of interest at the idea of cooking next week.
the last few days we have lived off chick pea varieties and i made a lovely spinach and tomato lasagne the other day. i joked to my mum that we don't like chickpeas and i am secretly punishing my family with them and other vegetablely things generally.
you see, yesterday i felt the only way to punish my family for agonizing me was to dole up punishment stew- chickpeas with everything.

then today i sat down and experimented with the online shopping experience.

having compiled my list, the man i live with said,

 rather than getting all this stuff why don't we get a bit of beef

i don't know why, i don't know if i am being irrational, but this felt like a concrete slab falling on my energy. (the irony being that is so sweet and a desperate reach out for a good plate of food it nearly brings tears to my eyes)
i am tired. i have mountains of laundry still to do and i have to think about what to cook for my family who to be crude will simply shit it all out anyway. ew.
people say that nature is indifferent to human suffering, yes, well my family seem indifferent to my human suffering. i feel i work my metaphorical fingers to the bone and yet the lions my family are just seem to fight over my fallen body and tear bits of my exhausted limbs.
any reader out there who has has not gone away due to my lamentations, please forgive my dreadful imagery and outpourings of self pity!!!!!.

anyway i am now planning to buy lots of chick peas.
he can go get his beef.
i can't be arsed to think about what they can all eat and will probably resort to the usual food born out of depression-
 fish fingers and chips and beans.
Shepard's pie-yawn
spaghetti bolocksnase - so done
and lots and lots of chickpeas.