'I thought we'd be more.....more together here - with nothing but the sea and moon. More together than in that crowd, or even in my rooms. Don't you understand that?'
'I don't understand anything,' she said with decision, determined to preserve her incomprehension intact. 'Nothing. Least of all why you don't take soma when you have these dreadful ideas of yours. You'd forget all about them. And instead of feeling miserable, you'd be jolly. So jolly,' she repeated and smiled, for all the puzzled anxiety in her eyes, what was meant to be an inviting and voluptuous cajolery.
He looked at her in silence , his face unresponsive and very grave - looked at her intently. ....
When Bernard spoke at last, it was in a small tired voice. 'All right, then,' he said, 'we'll go back.'
Bernard Marx and Lenina in Brave New World Aldous Huxley
Am reading Brave New World to my fifteen year old son at the moment- he is doing it at school. It is damned hard to get into but it is brilliant once you do.
Ford is the new God.
Today is horrible for me. Utterly horrible.
First I wake up thinking my finances are in order only to discover the new Electricity and Gas supplier I changed to in the hope of getting some free shopping have raided my bank account into the minuses and I am yet again penniless. Hilariously, I think the tariff is higher with this new supplier but I was lured in by the free shopping.......... roundabouts and swings. What a Dodo. An extinct Bird.
I have about three rolling cigarettes worth of tobacco left and am raiding the internet to find a soda bread recipe that doesn't involve buttermilk as we are out of bread for the near future.
The shoes I brought my daughter for school yesterday were actually too big this morning...these things happen. So we put faith in Ford and dashed to the supermarket before school on an empty tank of no petrol to swap to a smaller size...one success.
We are not paying rent this week. It has been a bad week.
Then I get a text from my son at school. He wants me to make a doctor's appointment now cause little shits in the shit hole called school are 'teasing' him about his hair which was plaited during the school holidays.
I want him to come home.
I hate school and all the nasty pieces of shit in it right now.
I half don't blame him if he chose to punch the whole load of cretinous 'teasers' off their chairs and resign.
School just aint the place for everyone.
It can be lonely and cruel where you have to just take shit on the nose and toughen up.
How hard is that when you have a bunch of malicious school uniformed cretins of all shapes and sizes and shades winding you up and goading you till you are fit to break.
Not to mention the teachers half of whom are virtually still in nappies, flirting with the boys who smoke and chastising the ones who are still caught between childhood and adulthood....A rock and a hard place.
Most schools are so full of shit, in face they remind me pretty much of a brave new world. They don't give a toss about the individual child, and a child that is not one of these ones that meanders through with confidence and acumen and all that damn crap, just hate it there and get shit results probably to boot.
Since my boy was small i have considered home schooling him haha, but seriously now I just think why not?
What the f did my GCSE's get me? nothing.
Perhaps it would be best to just throw in the towel and try something else. University is priced out for most kids anyway and the schools are government slave cults run by corrupt bully bureaucratic teachers.
Bad Day.
I hope it gets better.
Actually, first thing this morning I woke up to a very distant thought in the recess of my brain how time passes and erases (i need some suma) and how shit it is that i am always moaning about stuff when one day i will look back and wish i could visit my mum, or have my little ones with me (now grown...i am really old i guess in this distant thought) or all sorts of hypothetical regrets and longings.
But it just don't seem to change my mind.
I 'wake up' when I think of how I want to be............then i walk back into this giant invisible wall of survival and i still can't embrace my prison. I know if i could it might be ok. But i can't
Oh Bernard come find me in the savage garden i will talk with you all night and we can make plans.
No comments:
Post a Comment