SISTER IN LAW

she is lovely and of the earth she too is a mum and she is a good one. she gets her kids up and out and they do well. they are all lovely. she has 5. she and her husband came round this eve and we chatted for about 4 hours till they went off. it was really nice to catch up- though i hate that phrase-  but we did. they livc up north and it suits her well. she has her kids her husband and they get on with things.

teenager

i have one. he is just fourteen and i just don't know where i am with him. it is quite exhausting. on the one hand he is utterly mature, humorous, confident and funny and good natured. on the other he is sullen, miserable argumentative and gives me massive guilt trips. 'j....' i say, 'why are you speaking to your little sister like that?' 'well obviously i am speaking to her like that cause someone has spoken to me like that' (harshly/ loud/ angry) GUILT guilt guilt.....
if i say i am concerned about his behaviour that means i am calling him a 'retard'. i refered to the film Kevin and perry to my mum during one heated exchange- he mistakes this fort the film about the psycho kid 'we need to talk about Kevin' and assumes i assume that i think he is a psycho.
i can't get it right. i am crap at being a parent. i thought being a mum at just turned twenty was hard. being a mum to a teenager now is even harder.

having dreamt many mixtures of strange wispy jigsaw puzzle dreams i am awake. i sit alone in my kitchen, dressed. i went to the local shop at 5 45 am to buy some 7 up because the sink was so full of things i cold not pour a glass of water.that sounds dreadful considering people in some places can't even find water to drink fall stop. but in my context I guess I am in a weird place right now. i am somewhat in habit of drinking cold sweet sugary drinks in the morning. i got up early to do some house work and everyone is asleep. i haven't really done much, preferring to sit and stare out of the window. i have emptied the sink at least. if i was to really tidy up I'd wake everyone up and i am not ready for company. the birds sang very loud this morning and a cat cried outside my house.i think of my sister. that is all i can do. i feel she has really gone to another place and i can't reach her.
it is, i think, quite a strange life.

kids are painful

i definitely love them- my blood ones at least but boy do they drive you to the ends of distraction with their whinging, whining, moaning, arguing, ..... competitiveness; crying.... but sometimes like the most turbulent relationship they suddenly fit into place and be contented and happy. and sleep. sleep is when they are so lovely and often at their best.

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DREARY TICKING HANDS

tick tock until beer or wine o clock. life is pretty tough right now with not much let up. ping pong everything's wrong, twist and shout, everybody out (meg and mog, rescue spell).
good day mostly kids wise. big son entered a drama group like a person being pushed to the edge of a cliff, and left really cheerful and confident- high five! little daughter and neph spent day together and went to the park. baby 1yr- had fun on swings. but it is all quite hard right now- emotionally, financially; work wise (not enough)..... alcohol wise (too much pain relieving), house wise- it remains a tip i can't get on top of. but tomorrow is another day i guess. i am gonna go to bed soon and wake up tomorrow with renewed enthusiasm and energy.
all the different people are walking sludgily through the daily shit getting irritated and getting fed up, getting hungry, cracking up; needing more, needing money this old life it aint so funny.
i feel really angry right now with things. with big people who have no damn idea of stuff. i feel like i might just opt for a nervous breakdown at least i'd get some bed rest and medication to block out alkl the living nightmares.

despite the continual base of sad regret for things i cannot change the sun shines today and the children have the garden in which to nearly roam. my nephew is growing well, is dressed and fed and loved; my daughter full of whinges at the moment is also dressed and fed; they play outside in the sunshine while my big boy works on building a play house. the sun shines on their skin. their bellys are full. my smallest boy crawls around and trys to walk to be with his bigger siblings. they are all loved.

all this is good and i feel privileged to witness children's life. it was a great pleasure yesterday to see the two littles, my nephew and daughter as they ran from attraction to attraction going totally nuts on whispy clouds of candy floss.

i say that and then suddenly i hear crys of anger from them in the garden 'mummy i was standing there first' they are shrieking, a little arm lashes out. this is how wars start. 

my plan was to take them all to their uncles so they could playin his garden for a bit give me some time off from mothering. but the choice for me today is pretty unappealing- the house is in a serious mess and will take some work to get up to scratch. boring.