what i would like

my sister died on 7th Feb just gone. she is gone, despite everything and there was no proper warning, no goodbyes. she has faded into yesterdays. i would like her back very much. this i would like most of all and all other would likes, pale into dusty nothings. i want her back.
i would like a little bit of time to myself now and then; time that isn't painful to acquire or worrying in my desperation.
i would like Mary poppins to tidy my house and nanny macphee to take care of my children.
i would like lots of money to make those i love's live's more comfortable- we are like something from dickens's tales of Victorian misery or zola's grittiest novels on poverty and despairing alcoholism .
i would like to have the answers.
i used to sing love me or leave me in harmony with my sister -by Nina Simone- i would like to sing that with her again.
i just listened to a take that song  want you back cos the words 'i have a picture of you beside me; the lipstick marks are on your coffee cup' have been going round my head for days. it made me cry so much because while we didn't care for take that when we were young and they were out there, about a decade later we discussed the merits of many of their songs.
i remember some years ago in our twenties at the twelve bar in new cross the paradise bar my sister sang 'don't you feel like like crying' so beautifully and brillliantly i am listening to that too on utube by solomon burke.

my kitchen is a total mess again

it is as usual a total dump and as usual i am not looking forward to getting it sorted. i took the kids out today to a local funfair and they had loads of fun. then we went to a pet shop and my big son bought a ferret cage with his birthday money. he is planning to buy a ferret next Friday. yuk, they smell apparently, but i think he needs to get it out of his system; he needs a creature to bestow his love on.
little d and a are watching astro boy on the sofa, hopefully they will fall asleep there and baby is finally asleep.
tomorrow the kids are gonna go to their uncles house so i can have a bit of time off from kids.
i have a plan. i am going to buy a spade as our one has disappeared and i want to dig stuff up and replant it.  my partner is complaining constantly about stuff and i find it so damn infuriating. 'i would love to go to a fair all day' he exclaims when i say he has had plenty of time without kids. yeah whatever. standing in a cold cloudy park with a heavy restless baby on hips watching children go form attraction to attraction; no where to sit down; etc etc; then off to play in the park; then to pet shops to stumble round the smelly place patiently waiting for children to look at all the pets. yeah, you'd love it much better than being alone at home doing stuff you like to do.
he likes things just so. he likes to be able to play darts- or practise rather- without kids underfoot; without tumble driers going; without anyone interrupting, he likes a hot supper and clean clothes and children cared for; a tidy house; a clean tidy car; no stuff lying about; a full fridge; me time; watching sport; not that he gets all those things but that's what he likes. not devoting an entire day to the whinging moany needs of kids; of going from pillar to post to entertain them rather than just plonking them in front of the TV and getting on with stuff more suited to the self. he must think that i find it fun running round like a fucking headless chicken and devoting myself to kids all day. then rewarding myself with doing the laundry and feeding people and comforting them when they cry etc. moan moan moan.

in which it goes on

i was feeling incredibly knackered today and started it the same as always, stumbling around trying to get my daughter ready for school, baby ready, son off to school. i know there are better ways of doing it, like being more organised, washing up the night before, not consuming alcohol the night before etc. but anyway, there i was, running from pillar to post to get out by 8 30 and wehey i did it, i just couldn't find the car keys. so today it was a walk up the hill. a passing mum who emphasises with my chaos suggested i walk up with her. and that i did. it was okay and daughter got to school on time. the walk down the hill was much nicer. i invited the said mum in to my hell hole for a cup of coffee and we discussed the pains of housework and lack of space and i played her my sister's song.
i spent the day avoiding dreadful house work- or bomb clearance as it always feels like, and visited various friends home for tea and company. a change was as good as a rest and i returned home able to at least throw rubbish away, clean the kitchen floor and hoover the living room which was some improvement. 
around 7 30pm i went to tescos with my baby who was pretty tired and moany. i had some good luck and managed to get a load of reduced food- legs of lamb-organic for like £2 and lean steak mince- 60p and other such bargains. so i brought a scratch card too since it seemed my luck was in. it wasn't, i won nothing. it is the start of the Easter holidays and i am just hoping i can gater some energy to enjoy them and not get completely stressed out with my children and mess. 

so damn tired and fed up

i am utterly shattered it makes me want to cry. the rent has been sucked up by a direct debit and moneys too tight to mention. i am tired of my children as much as i love them i am so tired and wish i could have a break. even a couple of hours would be nice!!!
but on and on it goes and sleep just isn't enough.
right now my baby is in his chair eating an ice cream- it's the only way to buy some free arm time.
the days keep ticking by and the new absence of one of the best sisters life could offer continues and is still brazenly hurtful and unfair. i hate that time ticks by like that and ticks and ticks to the rhythm of faded childhood memories of sunny dusty days like these in a different dimension of our lives in a peach wallpapered council flat bedroom years ago. my sister in her white shirt and school uniform and small brothers and sisters milling close by.
there is a remaining pool of uncried tears and caged anxiety in my chest which can't be soothed or put to one side. just there it sits like a brick in my solar plexus.
the reassuring voice of a girl who we once knew no longer there to understand this journey we're on.
we are the ones left behind; unable to cry as the alarm clock keeps ringing and the world keeps turning.
tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired

onandon

and so it goes. i have been quite busy with children since there was a school strike today. i had my son and nephew at home and about with me and after school add daughter to the mix. little one year old was there all along.  so it has been busy.

today has been another shit day. i asked a friend to take daughter to school. i raced to take my son to my mum's so i could get to the doctors for 9 30. at 9 25 i phoned to cancel the appointment only to be told it was not till tomorrow. this was enough to make me burst into tears.
god knows where the rest of the day has gone- spent cleaning; driving; going to the park with the littles and just feeling tired.

ubendoory

i am so tired i feel like i am being turned inside out and my shoulder blades are catching on my lungs and my back hurts every time i breathe. i am starting to feel a bit better. my little one year old (baby) has just eaten 1 1/5 kiwi fruit and is wandering about the kitchen. my daughter is asleep and my fourteen year old (very grumpy today) is watching south park reruns- he has to go to bed soon. i am hoping i will wake up tomorrow refreshed and better- today has been difficult like walking through thick treacle.