i am utterly shattered it makes me want to cry. the rent has been sucked up by a direct debit and moneys too tight to mention. i am tired of my children as much as i love them i am so tired and wish i could have a break. even a couple of hours would be nice!!!
but on and on it goes and sleep just isn't enough.
right now my baby is in his chair eating an ice cream- it's the only way to buy some free arm time.
the days keep ticking by and the new absence of one of the best sisters life could offer continues and is still brazenly hurtful and unfair. i hate that time ticks by like that and ticks and ticks to the rhythm of faded childhood memories of sunny dusty days like these in a different dimension of our lives in a peach wallpapered council flat bedroom years ago. my sister in her white shirt and school uniform and small brothers and sisters milling close by.
there is a remaining pool of uncried tears and caged anxiety in my chest which can't be soothed or put to one side. just there it sits like a brick in my solar plexus.
the reassuring voice of a girl who we once knew no longer there to understand this journey we're on.
we are the ones left behind; unable to cry as the alarm clock keeps ringing and the world keeps turning.
tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired
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