vampire

I feel like a vampire like one not of this world. i creep through the streets only able to acknowledge pain and suffering unable to comprehend cheer and light.
I got my two youngest children to sleep- as they were entirely reluctant, by driving them from New Cross to Lewisham to visit my mum.
They are now asleep proper, camped out in my room, and my eldest has also gone to bed.
My relationship is not faring too well. Will it be a casualty of this sad situation? It is almost like without my sister nothing seems valid any more.
At last I have taken off the black hat that I have been wearing through bright sunshine today.
Underneath my hair is unwashed and thin and reflects my state of mind and me.
Money is tight and I feel it. I have paid the bills and that leaves not a lot to play with.
But I hardly care as long as I can get through each day.
I passed, on the way back from the shop, a teenage boy who one year and more lost his dad to some strain of cancer; he looks up at me and says hello. I welcome his hello and murmur the same. I can only understand this world of loss I cannot see the other one.
Bitter beer goes down my throat; I have one can of Becks and a glass of wine left which I am saving for after to help me sleep.
I like being alone when everyone has gone to bed. I cannot bear awakeness of others and their needs. My doctor told me it was best that my sister went in a flurry and with hope on her side; at least she was not in despair; she would not have been aware of the end....... I only hope that this is so. I only hope she is in some golden heaven where the pain of fucking cunting leukaemia can fuck itself. Murderous Bastard leukaemia.
And I hate officious people who need you to carry on and continue with routine. I wish they would fuck off somewhere to a place as sympathetic as themselves.
This is just hateful and cruel. And if there is a damned heaven and a god I think it a mighty strange way of being supposedly a good thing that leaves us confused, regretful and bereft with no tangible idea of where our beloved sister has gone and if she is okay. All I have is the remnants of her illness the remnants of her desire to be well. How can I marry that with death and heaven....??? 
People say this well get better. They say 'trust me, it will get better'. Well. I guess it will. The passing of time will become sediment and my sister will be further and further away. I am sad, a very sad vampire of grief and I drink what I can find.