i am alone

right now. my baby is asleep. i have just eaten cheese on toast and am having a cup of tea. this forum is pretty depressing.ever so quiet universe. my blog is only a comfort to me and me and some curious Russians and other far off people from far off places who are probably falling on my blog by mistake as they look for naked woman pictures or something.
 i am listening to radio 2 and having a weird on-line chat with a yahoo advisor because my yahoo mail keeps crashing.
i am feeling quite anti social and want to be alone for a long time.
with my thoughts and the moment.
i have years worth of things to look through and sort out.
letters, diary's, poems memories.
i am moving quite slowly.
my daughter was late into school this morning as i overslept having got to bed late and sleeping badly.
the headmistress made me cry by asking why i was late to which i responded 'sorry], i over slept'
to which she said drumming her nails on the surface 'shall we write that you overslept?'
to which i said 'you can write what you want, that i overslept, that i am a bad mother. i am grieving. it's good that i got my daughter here at all'
to which she responded with sympathy and apologised and talked with me for some moments and ended nearly crying and telling me i was doing a great job. she lost her mum. i guess everyone loses someone or everyone until someone loses you.

i just find it difficult to care right now about lateness. i have got her to school on time all week and everyone can suck eggs.

loss

is when someone you have been talking to, maybe someone you know well or even love,
 gets off the train.
they are gone and you are there still in the carriage which echoes with the time you just shared.
the conversation still ringing in the air.
you are there still but they are not with you any more.
the transition was them leaving the train and it only took a moment.
then they were just gone.

some comfort in this is that while they seem to be gone
they have only got off the train and they are going somewhere else.
you still love each other
you are just not in the same space any more.

could that be like loss?

years ago rachel and i were on the train talking to our cousin
then he got off the train.
death is like that my sister said.
when someone gets off the train
and the moment you shared is finished for now.