my daughters birthday tomorrow and i feel quite bleak. the days are so slack and with no elastic, no give. we got the phonecall and nothing will ever be the same. i have managed to get through this day on the adrenaline of preparing a last minute party for amelie and cousins/ extended family but i really feel quite miserable and sad and comfort-less.

i have not had enough wine to help this.
i don't think any more wine will help anyway.

i woke this morning at 4 and lay awake. i could not sleep so got up to tidy up a bit. i switched on the radio and a song called sister heroine was playing with words like - god took you away.... if you are looking down on me, i love you, i love you.....
 i felt momentarily warm and comforted and that stayed with me some of the day but now the sorrow has crept back in to my chest and the coldness of not having you permeates everywhere.

i am so sad.