long dreary day

now it is night and i have my little nephew over to stay for the night with his cousins minus my eldest who is with his dad.
they are quite peacefully playing right now and he is just such a small child (6) playing with toys. sometimes he seems so grown up then i see what a little baby he really is how only six years ago he was a podgy little new born and how he is a stretched out baby with strawberry blonde hair. i can't bear that his mummy is not here too and i can't share my love for her son with her, but it is at times like this that i must believe she is close by somehow though this can be difficult.
we listened to some of her songs on my space and he sang along, along with my daughter who adores her aunty's music. it is so hard to accept that this is all happening. soon i will get them into their nightclothes and try and get them off to sleep reading his favourite doctor Zeus books  and tomorrow i will take them to the park and try and come up with some ideas of how to make my eldest son's birthday on Sunday special, despite feeling so damn miserable and feeling the financial squeeze so acutely.