i am caked in sludge. i am afraid i am consumed with dead grief.
spring was here today and i have never liked its approach less.
the misty air and people appearing more jaunty and clothed in fewer things are so at odds with the immense sorrow i have on my chest suffocating me.
i can hear neighbours in my adjacent garden scraping shovels and welcoming the sunshine back.
while my garden contains the beauty of renewed life the depression within me cannot love it.
not while my sister lies far away and i only have images of her but not her.
how dear god will i manage to go on?
my sons first birthday was some days ago and i managed eventually to celebrate it. it was quite easy as he had no idea and by the evening i was able to bake a cake and blow up ballons.
my daughters birthday is on saturday.
i have alreasy abandoned my idea of hiring a local hall for a massive party.
how can i do this?
she will be five.
but i am afraid i won't be able to do it.
i pray for strength.
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