trapped

it is 42 days since my sister died and i am none the wiser and none the happier i am still trying to make sense of the tsunami of leukaemia; the positivity we felt a week before she died with the doctors happiness with her progress. i am still trying to make sense of the last moments she was conscious and i wish i could have been with her, i wish i'd known how ill she was; that i would never see her again. i feel like a broken record and essentially that is just what i am, i am  broken and don't think i will mend.