This time last week i kept my daughter at home. i woke up late and could barely drag myself out of bed and have no recollection of how we spent the day.
this morning was different. despite my over reliance on alcohol in the evening i was up bright and early at 6 30 to get my big son up for school. our nephew sweet D had stayed over and he got up bright as a button with a smiling face to snuggle on the sofa for some tv cosyness with his fave cousin- my boy- and eating 'choclate sandwiches and hot choclate'.
my daughter and baby 5 and 1 yrs were up next and somehow we all got out the door and to school one way or another- my daughter to hers in new cross and my nephew to his in Greenwich- a bit late but fine i think.
the weekend just gone was very bleak and felt like i was walking blind through a fog of distress and despair.
yesterday i visited my sister's grave and later offered to have her son- my first and only nephew - to sleep over. i knew this would help me have the motivation to get up in the morning.
it worked. i had this tiny slither of sunshine in my home; this part of my sister in my home where the love i had for him was new and as though somehow i was seeing him through his mothers eyes.
on the way to taking him to his school in Greenwich i had a glimpse of a possible heaven.
i suddenly felt it as a real and very possible place.
the passport sadly for us, is death, but this glimpse- which is fast escaping from my mind like a dream-
suggested that we are all born to die and yet it is in the dieing that we really live. and i know this is weird and would make a great movie if i could just get my head round it, but this really worked for me. imagining this place where we exist in the perfect form with no human concerns and.....
anyway its kind of slipped away i know i will see it clearly another day when i am more receptive.
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