my beautiful little boy

aged just one is sitting in his high chair trying very hard to feed himself from a spoon banana and yoghurt.  my cats are prowling for food and meowing loudly- they will not eat sainsbury's own make of dried food, and my five year old daughter is upstairs getting herself dressed. i am boiling some eggs for us all- i am eating breakfast today as i feel sick and my stomach is protesting at being starved. little boy has to have injections today and then we will go to visit my daughter's nursery. she is off school with a contagious infection which is nearly better and probably not contagious anymore but i think she can stay off anyway.
i have not worked for a long time since my sister did go and i am really in need of that extra income.
i have just given baby a bit of egg yolk hard boiled which he has curiously eaten and now he has swept the rest of his egg off his table and onto the floor with a twinkling smile whilst cooing at the cats.
i am eating my egg with a mixture of revulsion -i often feel this way with eggs but sometimes can suspend my horror in order to enjoy one (horror at the little white things which cling to the yolk when you crack it raw...among other varied horrors......)-, and pleasure- due to the copious helping of sea salt flakes followed by huge gulps of hot earl grey tea. i can only manage the yolk today with a bit of white- if i close my eyes. my daughter refuses to eat the yolk, liking only the white.

i do wonder sometimes what lead me down this path of motherhood.
it chose me i think.
when i see young aspirational women passing me in the street i wonder if they look at me and pity my choice to devote my creative energy to demanding children.
i wonder whether i have ever actually had ambition. real tangible ambition, or if i just drifted from day dreams to mother hood. when i think of ambition i see huge canvasses smothered in bright paint; and things like that. there may be more time when these littles have got big to fulfil that ambition. or maybe by then i will want a proper job that pays money. or maybe will just do what can do to get by. maybe ambition will fall by the way side and be replaced by reality and necessity.
it is something i will have to think about.
i have given them both an ice lolly to finish off breakfast as it buys me 10 minutes more of not being demanded and needed. these things were invented for a reason.
the next things i need to do is get the littlest one dressed and then myself and do a clear up in the kitchen before we leave to get the tiny boy some injections.