should sleep can't sleep

i want to go to bed but i don't feel ready to sleep. i have had a few glasses of red wine and the kids are all asleep upstairs, camped out. i read the lorax to them or some of it till they were off in dream world and little nephew gave me pointers of how to read it just like his mum.
i just only feel OK when i have a glass of wine on the go. i am listening to 'i sip red wine' by my sister. after passion  it ends 'let me be'. i don't want to. her music is everything i would ever want to have as an artist- it is beautiful and soulful and raw with living and love and pain. arpeggio guitar; country mixed with blues and crying rivers. how can i go to sleep how can i?
she was never pretending- never trying to be someone else, she was full of integrity and truth and light her-ness. today we visited my daughter's old nursery which she left about 9 months ago.  when she was there i met a mother of a five month old girl who was receiving chemotherapy for the same disease as my sister- leukaemia. i heard today the little child about a year now, is doing well for now. my sister was so sad to hear of this tiny little thing; she'd be happy to know she's well.  it is such a cruel disease. i find it so heart breaking that my little nephew has to just carry on, not seeing his mum. he thought he'd be seeing her and she went away never to return. how can life be so damn cruel?
i also bumped into another mum of three young ones at the nursery, she is young and beautiful and very positive and sunny. she has a debilitating spinal disease and the prognosis is bad. it brought tears to my eyes to see her. bent over with a zimmer frame going on and on for life. for her children. why does this happen? but we agreed to meet soon for a book club that has never got off the ground. fuck books right now i have no interest; so we agreed to a 'no book' club, maybe a poetry club; even better a haiku poetry club, no books, just a collection of mainly women gathering in empathy; love and fucking sadness at the sorry state of affairs. it is strange- i have felt so isolated, so closed off, but returning to my daughter's nursery where they knew of my sister's plight (her son went there) was a mixture of pain and tears and also like seeing an old friend. i may go there for playgroup for my littlest one. i maybe do need people; the experience of others to help me through this misery.