falling apart

i am so frayed my nervous system is all over the place. i have strange ache in my ankle and my temper is fragile. i am fragile. my kids seem to need me more than ever and yet i feel slightly aspergic when surrounded by them.

i have been overdoing it all weekend. enduring the days and then drinking the nights away and drowning myself in my sorrows. grief is so strange. it is a bit like banging your head against a brick wall.
you want sometimes to kick and scream at the universe and feel so angry that the sky remains blue and unchanged and walls and doors sit as they always have and people wander around excited by the spring and the hope of summer, wearing t shirts and looking happy.

having to carry on being a mum when all i can see in my minds eye is the burial plot covered with an abundance of flowers is so difficult. one minute we were talking i was doing my sisters feet on my parents sofa and we talked of our trip to ramsgate; the next i am standing at her graveside and cannot hear her voice in the breeze no matter how hard i try.

 the grave yard is beautiful and was sunny today. she is near a white blossom tree. is is like village of death with people tending to the graves and conversing silently with their loved ones instead of making them a cup of tea or talking about the weather it is quite strange how we go to these graves and lovingly wipe the crosses and breathe in the silent quietness of the present.. i know that really my sister is not there but that little piece of land has become the most precious place on the earth for me right now as it contains the 37 year old body that held the vibrant warm and loving spirit of my sweet sister who i grew up with and argued with and cried with and laughed with .