hatred

hatred. such a strong word denoting hostility; there is unexploded brisance within me and it permeates from me. i could blame it on the pile of flowers on the muddy earth above where my sister lies as life goes on and we gather to tidy the flowers and remove rotten roses and plumes from the funeral wreaths and bouquets.
or I could blame it on the continuing arguments of my small family the day to day bull shit of NO'S and Hurry ups and general domestic misery that no young romantic would ever cloud their pretty heads with; or i could blame it on the endless laundry needed doing for a family of five; or on other halves who continually complain of how hard their lives are failing to recognise or see the mud which surrounds me, or of running traffic pounding past the place where her sweet body lies; or of hard to read faces or irritating comments; or of children approaching fourteen swearing at me and desperate to be anywhere but home and dragging their heels.
i could blame it on my first child's father blowing out his arrangement to take his son for a meal and then threatening to block my number when i protest. I could blame it on lack of money to cover costs comfortably. I could blame it on my child of five whining; or on my partner who forever seems to have a problem with my first son not his son; or i could blame it on the fact the very person who would understand my anger not being here to get it.

there were five of us sisters now there are four of which of course i am one. the one i grew up with and was closest to in age and generation of upbringing aint here no more. i always felt the outsider, even when she was alive. now i feel it more. i am lonely. the voice who understands me and reads form the same hymn sheet and laughs at the same complexities is six feet under. maybe more.it's a grave for three. who said that she could go? i am angry. it permeates me. i am angry and it is hard being a mun to children who will not stop bickering; stop being grumpy;  a 'wife' to a man who flys off the handle at the merest whiff of a teenage sulk; to an ancient by more than ten years ex who still berates me and hates me and can't even be a good dad to his kid, and to a world that lets a ruby jewel go.