half past twelve night time

well actually its probably more like half past one. or something. I am eating a cheese piccalli and ham sarnie and have just returned from the shops  with a bottle of Chardonnay. but really must go to bed. But the call of more vino is too huge. so heres to cheese sarnies and sweet dry wine. so nice. gonna head off now cos sobriety is surely better for this lark. PS. all kiddies are fast sleep except baby 1- 13yrs but now tis time to go xxx

what a day oh mother

can't even begin especially since I am down under a few glasses of wine. well. I will begin at the beginning as it is therapeutic.
OK so I woke up at 6 ish and baby 3 woke up too so I fed him a baby yoghurt and had a cup of tea meanwhile significant other  was probably waking up. I went back to bed. significant other left for work. came into bedroom looking for clothes. helped find. went back to bed. 10 30 am woke up proper and child 2 was of course up so gave her breakfast and baby 3 too then placed him in high chair so could do abundance of jobs that needed to be done. and so he sat patiently as I loaded washes; the dishwasher; cleared the sides and the table; fed the cats; cooked the mince - one day over sell-by but smelt OK- made it into a shepards pie filling and cooked a curry- with chicken cooked two days ago but smells OK- with chickpeas and potatoes but no onions cos out of onions. gotta get an onion.
and then I mopped the kitchen floor after clearing it of shite that lies there. child 2 age 4 meanwhile played ships in the laundry basket. .
then I folded tons of shitty laundry for me and the family.
then I took broken hoover back to shop and got new one. then I was on my way to  nephew 6 to take to park. then significant other texts- I need key where is it? my key is in my pocket. my front door is locked. I am due to take small children to park. significant other needs key, what a fucking headache.
take kids to park. share coffee with sister in law.
I push baby.  Sister in law skates ; Nephew  runs, child 2 rides her bike and niece scoots.
end of
at sunset we leave. i go look for my lost phone- I lost it earlier. then to sis 's; tea then feet- i am a reflexologist. then play- the kids. then to sainsburys for wine as it is my brothers birthday. then to my mums then home to pick up significant other then oh shit the break lights are out then AA man. then copious glasses of wine then god knows what then home.

what a dream

OK so right now I can't get off the subject of writing a blog and how really essentially quite depressing that is.

I mean the adverts showing on the page to earn money --very loud and over hysterical guffaw- - relate to the content. so far the adverts here are on bed wetting. heigh ho and away we go! wow what a blog. I am sure to get readers. ha ha even my significant other has given up. and my son of 13 will only read to keep reading figures at an all time high that is 1 view per day.




well the great thing is that being a mum with lofty dreams and aspirations and yet no really good ideas but plenty of sometimes rather nail pullingly painful parenting to do this is fabulacious because I have so many damn notebooks of my moanings and groanings and, to myself, rather fantastic thoughts that it is a so much more productive feeling to type away on the keyboard with baby crawling round near me. hey I could even begin to imagine that I am a much lusted after (by money givers) journalist who is tapping for her supper rather than just frantically typing cos I like the sound of my own tapping.




any way pick up time for child 2 so ta da echoing universe.

weirdos

my  boyfriend is now being horrible about my blog saying hes the only one who will ever read it any way. well at least we will be communicating then i suppose. he says its like a tragi comedy- wow i din't know he knew what one was.
now hes garbling on about me having an ego. yeah its in my baby's nappies and in their stomachs every night when i cook a meal. i don't have time for an ego.
i wish i did.
i am not even sure what a sodding ego is for gods sake.
it's just something people say when they think you could be doing something better with your time like matching their odd socks or making them a packed lunch.
my ego went packing a long time ago.
and any way i don't give a horses hind legs if any one reads my sodding blog i like writing it its fun like sending messages to god in a bottle and getting no answer except the echoes of my own mind.

one glass of wine down/ domestic fury

a third of a bottle to go.

this may sound like the musings of an alcoholic. may be it is. what is an alcoholic?

just been told i am a lunatic by my significant other because i want him not to read what i am writing. (he reads with a look of strain and questions)

i don't think he understands the fury that i so frequently feel.

simple domestic fury

like never ending tidying and baby caring and child pacifying and teenager concerning and washing up and laundrying and wiping tables and mopping and hoovering and tidying and bath cleaning and toilet cleaning and stairs hoovering and putting away and pacifying and forgetting ones self and just on and on and on and round and round. even writing it i feel like a scondrel of a nag but hey here's my chance, a blank sheet of nothingness going nowhere but the ether. nag nag away.

it is hateful on days when it seems the cup can get no fuller. but it can. there is always more room for more pacifying, concerning, tidying, oh, cooking, baby caring, parking -as in going to parks- parking as in endless driving here there and everywhere, and patience endless patience that of course implodes and drowns itself in a not big enough glass of wine .

yes at times motherhood suits me like a sink in the skull, but then i started innocently early at just twenty. a child of nine children. what did i know. other times i am like a fluffy duck to water pacifying away the unruly irrational, demanding and insolent beast that is child.

of course on another day i can only count my blessings as i gaze at my intelligent, sweet children especially when they sleep. but right now, the frustration of mother hood sits upon me like a large cold pile of bricks.

it is probably because i am tired.

cos i do love em.

12 minutes past 10 and baby 2 age 4 has emerged from upstairs bright and f*** ing wide awake to tell me something really important. my heart is veritably racing with need to be child free for just a while. if she comes back down i may scream.

it is infuriating

aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh

i am just going to pour out my infuriated heart as no one is looking any way.

it makes me so damn angry when i am so damn patient when my damn kids just wont stay in damn bed.

they get sodding insomnia and it drives me sodding crazy.

i am not ready for bed yet i have to dampen my desires and patiently lie with them.

its ok sometimes but sometimes its to much.

i am so not miss sodding perfect i am so damn imperfect and i am so getting ffed off with incessant children. and i don't really have any more to damn well say.

motherhood/ my life

OMG oh My God

holidays nearly over and i an only sigh with an utter sort of exasperation.

child 2 age 4 only just in bed at 9 53 pm, baby 3 crawling all over the place with significant other on couch observing whilst also watching darts (yawn) and baby 1, 13 yrs at his nanas for the last night before back to school day after tomorrow.

me, clutching a glass of crisp white wine and finding solace in tapping upon the keyboard before baby 3, 10 months old, summons me to attend to him patiently and lovingly.

as mother of three, this Christmas has not been filled with hedonistic celebratory knees ups and long pub afternoons but attempting to satisfy activity hungry children and boy oh boy does it never end! oh but it will i hear my mournful other whisper.

significant other has just appeared in doorway as i finally sit down wine and cigarette- baby in arm, him not me, to see- i imagine- what i could possibly be doing now i have bathed and got to bed child 2. ahh. not much more i can say.

happy new year quiet universe what have you in plan for me? or me for you?

is it another year of constant doing,

dreadful escape in huge glasses of wine and hankering after something more fruitful?

or will this year be my year where i may finally step into some semblance of a life i imagined i might once inhabit?

i can't really begin to sum up this year. it has been long and arduous and like this rushed attempt at glob-blog, a guilty snatched moment, i feel i have hardly stopped for thought. it seems a baby or child or man will just step into view reminding me of my motherly duties.

this year i may try to write some more. because it is a outlet, like yoga stretching the tense and exhausted muscles, it may create a pathway from the agonizing tension and frustration of my brain to a bright and sunny opening, a glade where things can grow.

who knows?

i am sick of brick walls BANG i go into. invisible but intransigent walls that rise up in front of me and force me to turn back. i want a way through now to carve to scratch to push my way through.