holidays nearly over and i an only sigh with an utter sort of exasperation.
child 2 age 4 only just in bed at 9 53 pm, baby 3 crawling all over the place with significant other on couch observing whilst also watching darts (yawn) and baby 1, 13 yrs at his nanas for the last night before back to school day after tomorrow.
me, clutching a glass of crisp white wine and finding solace in tapping upon the keyboard before baby 3, 10 months old, summons me to attend to him patiently and lovingly.
as mother of three, this Christmas has not been filled with hedonistic celebratory knees ups and long pub afternoons but attempting to satisfy activity hungry children and boy oh boy does it never end! oh but it will i hear my mournful other whisper.
significant other has just appeared in doorway as i finally sit down wine and cigarette- baby in arm, him not me, to see- i imagine- what i could possibly be doing now i have bathed and got to bed child 2. ahh. not much more i can say.
happy new year quiet universe what have you in plan for me? or me for you?
is it another year of constant doing,
dreadful escape in huge glasses of wine and hankering after something more fruitful?
or will this year be my year where i may finally step into some semblance of a life i imagined i might once inhabit?
i can't really begin to sum up this year. it has been long and arduous and like this rushed attempt at glob-blog, a guilty snatched moment, i feel i have hardly stopped for thought. it seems a baby or child or man will just step into view reminding me of my motherly duties.
this year i may try to write some more. because it is a outlet, like yoga stretching the tense and exhausted muscles, it may create a pathway from the agonizing tension and frustration of my brain to a bright and sunny opening, a glade where things can grow.
who knows?
i am sick of brick walls BANG i go into. invisible but intransigent walls that rise up in front of me and force me to turn back. i want a way through now to carve to scratch to push my way through.
No comments:
Post a Comment