i put my hands up to perhaps being the borough's most miserable mum. i can't describe how painful and infuriating i find my job sometimes. it makes me want to scream. it is relentless and incessant and i must be so shite at it because i swear it drives me to want to drink.
its like a crazy game where i seem to be one of the main players who is always running frantically with the ball.
i don't mean to bitch but i could put my hand on my heart and fairly promise that i do the main share of bathing; getting to bedding; caring of the children no matter what, and it doesn't end. nor does it stop there but i can't actually bear the sound of my own voice when i list my irritations so i won't go beating down that fruitless path right now.
i just want to express how shite it feels to feel so infuriated when i put one child to bed and she just won't settle and keeps messing around etc etc. i read a story; i sing, i try everything and it doesn't work. the book go the fuck to sleep by Adam Mansbach and Ricardo Cortes springs to mind. i havent read it but empathise heartfeltly with the sentiment.
then my teenager is just constantly watching sitcom reruns and i just want all children out of my hair.
it makes me so damn irritable especially after working during the day, doing the school runs, and washing damn laundry.
and i feel this huge ghoul of super nanny or some blasted perfect unselfish parent breathing down my neck telling me i am out of control and i need to take charge and stuff and it makes me want to drink even more. that's not to say i am drinking which is probably what makes it even more painful.
sometimes it is so damn crap and unrewarding being a parent and then you feel guilty that you are a bad parent cos you lose your temper- for me that's just leaving my child without saying goodnight and coming to write this tripe - and that makes me feel guilty and like a dreadful parent.
and then i worry about my poor neglected child lying in bed lonely and confused and sad then i feel even shitter cos i don't know what the heck i am supposed to do to be a good parent. then i hear my baby cry and realize that i should be with him- he is with his dad. then i just think i am not cut out for this parenting lark but i suppose its a bit to late for that.
i feel that i should be kind; that my children should be so happy and contented that they just fall to happy sleep when their head touches the pillow; that i should be spending more time with them, doing things like playing board games (there is a reason they are called bored games-yawn). that it could somehow all be so much better; that i shouldn't want to drink to be happier. its like a vicious miserable circle.
well its just after nine and i am gonna go to bed. significant one is watching football- massive yawn, daughter is upstairs either awake or asleep; teenager is watching prince of bel air on the PC with ear phones and baby is just waiting, i feel, to own his mother once more.
so yes, there it is the worlds most irritated, miserable mother...
i have nothing good to say .
and there i hear my daughter coming down the stairs.... : (
No comments:
Post a Comment