COUNSELLOR BLOG

when I was in nursery school and about four years old I remember doing some cutting out.

 I think I can actually remember the action of cutting carefully around a shape.

I can't recall the actual words, but the teacher- possibly an american teacher- was so pleased with my work. Whatever she said, and however she said it,  I felt so clever and special and the knowledge that I was a good and careful cuter-outer stayed with me for a very long time- perhaps even to this day.
Now, if someone- usually an adult-(one of which I am too!) tells me I am good at something I feel like a happy and loyal puppy and am so delighted and eager to please.

I am now thirty three or so and have possibly identified that I am constantly seeking approval.
It kind of relates to the paper cutting thing because I have identified that warm glow of self esteem that grows when someone says something nice and appreciative .

But sometimes I find that initial glow  becomes, or metamorphes,  into a sort of puppyish need for continued approval before I can recognise that I am actually worth anything. And the action I have performed becomes the sum of who I am. I swear I had a secret glow every time I used scissors until I was in my late twenties.

Now counsellor blog, I am not attempting to preen and then play a violin right now. Remember. this is my journey and I only ever attended real counselling because I felt like one big fat nothing
(bar scissor cutting). What I am seeking to do, is recognise that I can harness positive memories like Harry Potter, and try to also identify the triggers or memories- the second of which I don't have many- which develop into need for approval and the low self esteem that results if you don't get none.