i am sort of in the recovery stages of a weird attack of anxiety. on a scale of 1 to 10 it was only about a 2 i suppose, but it was really acute and felt.
i drove a little friend back to her house and then was left with a weird knot of achiness in my belly.
it was so there i thought it could have been a result of eating shitty pizza, but it was also quite part of my nerves, maybe that elusive solar plexus region.
then it kind of spread to my neck- my spinal column and then my shoulders froze and then my neck just generally ached with a sudden tension.
weird or what?
and i am not sure i can put my finger on why.
now i just have a very mild headache and slightly raised shoulders.
it is quite normal for me to have unexplained periods of anxiety, and i have had a single serious panic attack some years ago where i really did think i was about to drop down dead. in fact seeing as my blogs have no stories at all in them and i really feel i am scraping the bottom of the barrel of my brain to write fairly mundane stuff, i will try and retell the panic attack story.
it was about 11 years ago when my son was about 2, i was for the record then 22.
we were taking a bus which was stuck in traffic, to the local supermarket from a place called Brockley to another place called New Cross.
On the bus i started to get this weird pain in my chest. i think my little son may have been playing up a bit.
i recall not having the strength to keep chastising him.
i noticed that every time i lowered my upper body, i.e. bent over, that the pain got worse and seemed unbearable. it was at that point, the possibility of death encroached my mind. i spent the rest of the journey terrified of bending over in case i suddenly died, and eventually we got to the shop, me keeping my body rigidly upright and maintaining a firm grip on my son's hand.
i started to shop but the pain seemed to keep coming and i remember asking an old guy near the frozen counters, who i presumed would know, what it felt like to have a heart attack, like what were the warning signs? i can't remember what he told me, but i recall not feeling much reassured and remaining in a state of terror that i was about to drop down dead.
i think i abandoned my shopping and though i can't remember, i guess i still had a firm hold of little boy's hand. i made it to the phone where i was considering calling an ambulance- i was terrified- i just wanted to be rescued i wouldn't know what to say, i am dying please come pick me up from sainsbury's.
however i instead found myself calling my mum who i proceeded to tell i was having or would shortly be having a heart attack and that i thought i was dying. i can't even remember what my mum said but the next stage of this weird experience was outside sainsbury's.
i sat on a bench next to those waiting for a cab. i was completely frozen in fear and horror that i was singularly dying and could do nothing about it, could tell no one, and it was horrible. i think i stood up and started walking to the wall.
then i heard someone shout 'excuse me you've left your kid here'.
i just kept walking towards a wall which i approached to lean on.
'he's gonna run in the road' she shouted quite angrily.
i think i rather ungratefully called out 'fuck off' , maybe i should have told her i was dying.
instead i -now in retrospect rather embarrassingly- leant against the window of the cafe in what i perceived to be complete agony and imminent death.
the lady shouted some swear words at me.
i could sense i did not have control of my son, the road of the car park was near, but it was like the whole place was swimming; i couldn't focus.
i don't think i cried but i felt like i was crying my heart out. weeping.
the best bit was when the woman who had proceeded to swear at me -after i rudely told her to f off- when in the throes of death- came suddenly up to me put her hand on my shoulder and said- 'i think you are having a panic attack' she lead me to the bench and seemed to calm me down. the next thing i remember was being swept into a mini cab and returning home. the pain was gone and it was the weirdest experience that has since not been repeated.
well that was cathartic.
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