in this journey of life i think i am one of those who spends day in day out in an enclosed kernel of constant thought and worry. and to top it off to try to soothe the loneliness and oft horror that brings, i think i have used alcohol very very frequently to numb the worry and the horror away for a good ten years.
it is only when i find myself out between nine and ten am on a windswept Sunday morning in January with my small girl that i realize how anaethesitized i am making my life. i am not sure i am even alive on a daily basis i am just sort of wading blindly through and not tasting life in its vitality.
for me the allure of liquid that takes away the 'edges' and blurs the mundanity and eases the thinking, has been so appealing despite the foggy dragging mornings. and yet i am coming to see that i have been losing time.
i often think i want a different life and that i cannot ever bring any change. but today i kind of pray that the kernel of my mind can be penetrated and allow me to waken cos i can't go on as if blind, feeling my way through this sometimes strange existence.
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