the horror

i have a tummy bungling dislike of groups of chattering people sometimes.
let me try and explain- even just to my self.
gosh (not a word i frequently use) this is therapeutic.
 let me set the scene: i enter a gathering of some kind and people are chattering and in my paranoid ears they always seem to be chattering about house prices or their marvelous careers.
i frequently feel like a whirling vacuum and despite being fairly gregarious i secretly feel like a bit of a failure. quite liberating to write it down i must say.

like, if someone ever so much as makes a suggestion of a dinner party then my tummy locks into a ball of horror and i hope it will never be developed into an invitation. i mean god, what do grown ups talk about over dinner. its enough to give me a massive panic attack.
 i mean i am 33  years old and yet i quiver with fear at the thought. am i weird or what? am i completely dysfunctional?

some of my slightly yaary 'friends' were at it just out of their teens. in their twenties. inviting each other over for dinner. perhaps me having a baby at just twenty and then being a bit of a mess for a few years was gods way of getting me out of ever being the type of person who gets invited to dinner parties. i feel this probably sounds so weird and i must be such an odd person.


i mean, (sorry that is such a useful turn of phrase), i have always found it difficult to hold down friends. i often think i must scare people off by my very me- ness cos i have always noticed, since i was like 5 ,that if i start off in a group of new people, that given a bit of time close fun friendships develop of which i am never part of.

i would, absent counselor, like to get to the bottom of my fear. and get to the bottom of my sense of failure.

okay an interesting observation of me is that i am like a chameleon. i mean, i go to the doctors and i want to become a doctor. i go into a class room and i want to be a teacher. or, lets say, i go to someones house- i want it. no i actually want it. their life; their kitchen; their books and knick knacks. i mean shit i am totally fucking plain crazy Jane. i must be sooo insefuckingcure.

once at university- post baby 1; and very internally confused- and externally god knows what... i actually was managing to have a companionable coffee with another student and i remember hearing this rather unfortunate looking girl i was having coffee with, describe another person sat alone at a nearby table as 'Nelly no-mates'- and i remember attributing that description to myself.
after that comment i think i may even have become more silent that even this slightly goofy ginger girl probably found me morose and boring- our friendship definitely didn't develop. but i must have kind of thought in a less cliched way "well but for the grace of god there go i Nelly no mates, but look at me world i am having coffee with a person. i am normal'

anyway that didn't really go any where. but the fact is. i feel cross with me because i feel kind of so unfulfilled. i have always felt like the outsider in any group. i always feel judged and i always feel entirely dysfunctional and useless. that's not to say i don't enjoy socializing but the thought of it gives me the heebies and i don't like to be unpicked.
shit, where is my counselor when i need him.

any way this will be too long if i go on and on so i am gonna pose myself some questions to mull over.

1. why are you not fulfilled. what do you want to be doing?
2. why are you not doing it?
3. why do you always want other peoples lives? 

there, something for the weekend lovey.