sad sad sad

i am feeling mournful. at the rain fell from the sky today and seemed to wash in autumnal skies i felt the same tinge of anxiety i can't put my finger on but which comes to greet me obliquely at this time of year setting me askance. as summer comes to an end the free days and childhood melts into strict school uniform and social conformity.

it sounds morbid but it feels as if the whisper of death starts to cast shadows in my mind.
maybe it is a mixture of things.... my daughters summer holiday ends today. by the time we reach this time next year the summer will show me such different older children.
who knows what the winter will bring?
christmas has these last few years felt less like a new birth and more like a dark cold place of depression crudely in contrast with the merriness that we are supposed to expound and that exudes from children's eager enthusiasm. i can admit finally here, that celebration causes me anxiety and yet i cannot explain why. perhaps because i have feigned it all this time.

this september brings the birthday of my sister who has passed.
anxiety and sadness cannot be avoided.
the awakening that we must grow older and not still know her here.
i will throw red roses from Westminster bridge at dawn.
I hope she will meet me there and talk to me through the skies.

a close and important friend says she may move to another part of the country , not so far, but far enough not to drop in on. this compounds the feeling of change and dying that pervades me today.

i perhaps have sad who knows or perhaps i remember my childhood septembers....
excitement, new shoes and pens, fresh from magical summers in France to the cold cruel days of school and crappy friendships or lack of....
winter for me brings resounding echoes of autumn's passed and i must try to wake into a fresh day. +++++++++++++++++---